Monday Monday

I know today is supposed to be the day where we beat the “Mondays” and start the week off with vim and vigor…pat ourselves on the back for a week well done…point out all the marvelous things from our weekend, but to be honest, I told warned you I was going to be a bit unpredictable.

I’m not really sure how this post is going to turn out, but I really just feel like I need to get some stuff off my chest so…bear with me hold my hand?

One of the reasons I took a break from blogging was that I was just feeling so overwhelmed and really just out of control. I hate to admit it, but I got sucked into the comparison trap a bit. After Blend, everyone was getting “back on track”…there were plenty of green smoothies, hearty bowls of oats, and crisp clean salads popping up all over blogworld.

And there I was…

Sitting in the floor of my pantry polishing off a box of chocolate Cheerios.

No milk. No bowl. Just shame.

For an entire week, it felt like a struggle just to make it to the end of each day. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t exercising, I wasn’t smiling, and I most certainly wasn’t eating anything green…so I sure as HELL wasn’t going to blog, but after an entire week of binge eating, a couple of (or several) breakdowns, and one very, VERY difficult conversation with Jamie, things finally started to click.

[source]

Since then, I’ve actually gotten to the point where I can see the WHY behind a lot of my thoughts and actions. Here are a few “moments of enlightenment” I’ve experienced over the last week and a half:

1. My mood/self-esteem, how my knee feels, my digestive system, and pretty much my entire outlook on life is absolutely 100% dependent on…the amount of sleep I get!

When I am sleep-deprived (which, since going back to work last month, has been more often than not), I almost always end up with a wonky tummy which almost always ensures that by the end of the day I’m going to be so pissed off at my tummy AND MYSELF that I’m going to drown my sorrows in a couple of tall ones. And when I say tall ones I mean beer. And when I say beer I mean cereal.

Because no matter what, once a…

[source]

Always a cereal killer. Hey, I’ve got the spoon to prove it! 😉

2. Try as I might (even though I devoted an ENTIRE FREAKIN’ POST to it), I still sometimes struggle with the “good” versus “bad” labels…

Good vs Bad

[original source][source][source]

I know that eating a Poptart every now and then isn’t going to kill me but when I have one, I feel the need to eat twenty! I KNOW I feel my best when eating clean, minimally processed foods (that has basically been my diet about 80% of the time in the last few years), but since those “forbidden” foods are still on that pedestal I built, I feel almost deprived by telling myself not to have them.

3. I’ve been pulling away from the people a lot and have left myself feeling sad and lonely.

I haven’t felt “put together” in a long time now, but I only recently realized that I’ve been using things in my life as excuses to isolate myself so that no one sees the “abnormal” parts of me. I joke to keep people at a distance because if they get too close, they might see that the cracks beneath my surface need a bit more than a couple of strips of duct tape.

[source]

I also joke because it makes things feel less serious even though they tend to cause me so much anxiety that I lose sleep at night day night WHATEVER!

So that’s here’s there’s?? where I stand right now…further proof that this whole Intuitive Eating thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be, but also a milestone in my journey because, even though part of me feels like I haven’t made much progress in the last month, the fact that I’m finally starting to see and feel things shows growth.

I know that the progress in this journey can’t be linear…but sometimes it’s so hard to see the bigger picture.

No questions today…
But I could use a few words of encouragement.

 

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87 Responses to Monday Monday

  1. Rachel R says:

    Heather,
    I have read your blog for YEARS and never commented. This time, I read your post and it resounded so loudly with me I can still hearing the ringing in my ears! I find inspiration, reassurance and a great deal of laughter in reading your blog every time I click on the bookmark link. You are so brave to admit things many of us would never have the courage to and I know you will be strong, pick yourself up and move on. I’m sure this doesn’t mean much coming from a stranger – but be proud of yourself and remind yourself, ‘Be nice to Heather’.
    Best wishes, Rachel.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Quite the contrary, Rachel. Your words of support mean SO MUCH to me…you have no idea! Thank you…from the bottom of my heart! <3

  2. I’ve been thinking of you this past week and I’m embarrassed that I didn’t reach out to you to see what was going on. But know that I’m thinking of you, and sending you love and positive thoughts. You’re such a strong person and this is just a little bumpy patch. Remember we require these hard times so we really appreciate the good ones and to make ourselves stronger people in the long run.

  3. First off, go you for putting it all out there. That’s an accomplishment just by itself! I fall off the health wagon every once in a while as well, and I sit there and think “How the heck do all these bloggers run 8 miles, do crossfit, and a bodypump session all on Monday?! That’s like my whole week ‘s worth of workouts!” And yes I indulge in a little too much ice cream occasionally all the time in the Summer. That’s life. I enjoy it, so why can’t I have it! I think if you eat a healthy diet for the most part, there’s room enough for the splurges. Tomorrow’s another day, so have that extra bowl! Thanks for sharing and remember, YOU”RE AWESOME-SAUCE! = )

  4. Girl! Call me!!! Today – tomorrow – anytime. I’ve been a mirror image lately.
    And that spoon was meant to empower and own it! Love cereal and kill it on your time and when it makes you feel good!
    Use that spoon as a reminder that you are in control of your cravings and love yourself and your cereal. That made more sense in my head.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Haha! Aww, Ashley! It makes PERFECT sense and I LOVE it! Seriously girl, you totally get me! Love you! And I totally owe you a phone call!

  5. i love hearing from you love, but i also think you’re doing the right thing by distancing yourself from blogging and probably more important Instagram. Focus on YOU. I know you feel like when you “indulge” you “over-do” it, but just remember to take one day at a time. If you have “too much” cereal one day, it was just ONE day. Focus on how you FELT and move on from it. Don’t beat yourself up over it. If you want a poptart everyday, have a poptart everyday. Being healthy is being in balance with YOURSELF. and you’ll find that. If you don’t have greens for a week. Ok. So what. Regardless of what or how much you eat, just be conscious about it. That’s all you can do. And don’t let others influence you. Those people ONLY eating greens everyday, protein everything, micro-managing everything that goes into their mouths, those are the ones who aren’t living healthy lives, because the food is running their lives. Just breathe sweet heart and LIVE. You’re amazing and I hope you know that!

    Love you!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      You always know just the right thing to say, don’t you? Of course, these are all things I KNOW…but for some reason, they just seem more believable when they come from someone else. Thank you, Debbie! I love you so SO much!!

      “Being healthy is being in balance with YOURSELF.” <- Love this!

  6. katie says:

    KNOW I am always here for you, we can chat anytime girl <3

    Seriously the blog world can be a good and bad thing, I know when I was going through a rough time due to my period problem, it was hard to read blogs, I had to step back. You have to do what is best for YOU, always. Life is so short girl, we are not promised tomorrow, and you really have to live each day happy, that happy can change day to day, but you have to live happy daily no matter what that entails <3

    Love you!

  7. Heather I’ve been missing reading your blog so much! You always bring a smile to my face and even though we’ve never met I can tell you are a strong, beautiful, amazing woman who everyone LOVES! I know how hard it can be to get caught up in the comparison thing especially as a blogger and I think it’s wonderful that you realize that, have taken a step back and are so truthful and honest. I’m sure TONS of bloggers experience similar emotions but aren’t as honest and forthcoming about it. That is just one reason why I LOVE your blog! You’re honest, hilarious, gorgeous and you post amazing pictures of delicious food! Hang in their love and while I’m sure you’ve got hundreds of BLENDS that are there to support you, feel free to email me too 🙂
    xoxo

  8. There once was a blogger named Heather,
    who was feeling a bit under the weather.
    What she doesn’t seem to know,
    Is she would win best in any show.
    Without even rocking out in leather.

    Alright, the leather part is weird, but I’m running out of Heather rhyming words.
    You honesty is amazing and refreshing and it’s just one of the many reasons I love you. Keep being honest with yourself and keep working to find your happy (because happiness does take work and it can seem like an uphill climb or a roller coaster at times), and you will get there one day soon. I promise, and if not I will just come capture you, put you up in my house, and then make you get plenty of sleep and eat your veggies with a small side of cereal. I got your back.

  9. I’m so glad you posted all of this…and that I was privileged to know about your revelations beforehand. [I am responding to your e-mail as soon as this comment is over.]

    I love you. You know I can relate to SO much of what you are going through, and I am so happy and hopeful for you. Recognizing where you are making “mistakes” or areas where you need to readjust your thinking really is the beginning of change. I felt SO much like myself at certain points this weekend, and returning to “me” came from just one moment of “Holy crap! Of course!”

    It’s hard, no doubt…but I’m here for you. 🙂

  10. I’d give you a hug right now if I could lady! The blogger comparison trap is a difficult one to avoid, and I know that I fall into it once in a while. I know it’s been difficult, but I know you’ve made great progress lately and will continue to do so. And recognizing the problem is the first step towards fixing it, right? Just keep working away at it and you will be fine <3

  11. I’m running off to turn in a paper, but I couldn’t NOT comment… This post sounds eerily familiar to me. In fact, the paper I’m about to go turn in is about the psychological effects of using social media to compare. Long story short? It ain’t a good thang. But, I still manage to do it all the time. Sigh.

    Basically, just know that at least one other person (ME) is going through the same shit as you, as evidenced by the box of Cinnamon Life I polished off yesterday. I won’t tell you when I bought the box, but I’ll bet you could make an educated guess, my fellow cereal killer.
    XOXOXO!

  12. Gabby says:

    Hi Heather, I may have gotten this book info from you but I’m not sure. Anyway if you haven’t already, read the book “How to have your cake and Skinny Jeans too”. Forgot the girl’s name but she’s so down to earth with the whole IE thing. I feel like I’ve learned the most from her of all IE experts.

    Keep fighting. I’m fighting everyday as well and it gets so friggin’ hard but we just have to keep fighting. It’s either that or jut give up and give in to food. We can’t do that. We’re stronger than that. A bad week doesn’t define you. Get up, wipe off your milk mustache and move on. You can do that. You absolutely can.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      “A bad week doesn’t define you. Get up, wipe off your milk mustache and move on.” <- LOVE this!! Like seriously, this is going on my refrigerator! Haha! Thank you SO much Gabby! You have NO IDEA what these words mean to me! And I am TOTALLY going to the store later today to check out that book! 🙂

  13. Just pointing out that Pleather rhymes with Heather, too, in case Meghan wants to add another stanza.

    Heather, chin up little buddy–you’ve got to keep on keeping on!

  14. Sami says:

    You may have had a bad week, but that doesn’t define you as a person, health conscious or otherwise. Since we’re comparing, don’t you think that box of cereal was probably a much better choice than a big mac and a double order of fries? I mean, give yourself some credit, lady 😉 No one is perfect. I know it’s easy to feel guilt and shame, being someone who can totally relate, but guess what? You’re beautifully and wonderfully made. Isn’t that enough? <3 (psalms 139:14)
    Hugs to you xxxx

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you, Sami. You do have a point. I guess it’s just the mindset though…really, it could have been a barrel of apples that I was bingeing on but still, the motivation would be the same. I just have to remember that these moments don’t define who I am as a person. Like you said, no one is perfect…a word that seriously needs to be banished from my vocabulary!! And thank you for the scripture…it is very humbling!

  15. I’m pretty sure that all of us can relate to your feelings right now and are nodding our little heads behind our little computer screens. Yes. Just yes.

    Maybe you are one of the only ones to fully put it out there though?! I don’t know. But I know how you feel about the poptart. There was a time when everything I ate was balanced and healthy. Then I would “indulge”/”give in” to one little treat… Like an ice cream cone or cookie. After that it would take me WEEKS to get back on track. Where I once was satisfied just eating my balanced breakfast of peanut butter toast, eggs and an apple. My hand would decided to ALSO dip into the cereal box, nut butter jar, cookie box, etc. Was I hungry? No. But it was just hard to stop.

    You are getting there. You are doing great. Don’t forget that.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      YESSSS! That is EXACTLY how it feels! Like, if I never touched the poptart (or other arbitrary “treat”), then I’d be fine…but THEN in the back of my mind, that totally feels like deprivation…which can only go on so long before ending in a binge. I swear it’s like a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” with this sort of mentality. I know that the main focus is NOT the food, but I also know that this will only continue to be a cycle for me, if I let it. Thank you so much for your support, Madison! It means SO much to me! xoxo

  16. Rosalie says:

    You are seriously my favourite blogger out there. I cannot express the amount of respect I have for you for being so honest about your struggles because you are so so so not alone–but if I were to believe what I’ve read in blogs, well, I must be the only one n the world who compares themselves to others, has black/white thinking, and has spent far too many nights binge eating and hating myself.
    I hurt my hip awhile ago and couldn’t work out. I started cutting back my food, ended up bingeing, and by the time I could exercise again I kind of just… lost motivation. I’m still in a major funk :l
    Again, I can’t adequately express the respect I have for you for airing out the realities of your life, for using your personal blog as, well, a personal blog. Seriously just thank you, and you are by no means alone.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Rosalie!!! Is it weird that I just want to give you a HUGE hug right now?! Thank you so SO much!! It is a little scary to be so open, but after I get it all out, it feels like so much weight is lifted! And THEN when I get comments like this that help me feel more “normal” or at least not alone in my head, my heart absolutely swells! I may have started a blog to share food and recipes, but honestly, I think I’ve gotten more out of it in the last few months by switching to more personal posts than I have in the 2+ years I’ve been doing this! Thank you so much for reminding me of that! xoxo

  17. Hey Heather!

    I actually think you’re doing amazingly well. Life is as much about acknowledging our accomplishments as pushing ourselves to work harder.

    I specialize in emotional eating with clients but I focus very little on the eating part. Intuitive and mindful eating is great but I always find that so long as the clients’ focus is staying on food, then the healing in other areas of their life is not going on – and that’s really where the focus needs to be, as that’s what is causing the relapses etc. I know from when I would emotionally eat (read: binge) that it was due to negativity in my brain and stress from events that I hadn’t let myself sit and process or face because I was just too worried of how bad that would feel. Dealing with that and focusing on having as much fun as possible in all other areas is really my main focus when coaching clients, for sure, and it resonates a lot with people.

    Hang in there, you are stronger than you think! Much love beautiful! xxxx

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you Anna! It can definitely be hard not to let the food be the focus…especially when the binges come in waves and then after days of it, all I can think about is how destructive it is, how bad it makes me feel, and how it seems like it will never end. That is one thing that I spoke with Jamie about. I was totally only focussing on the food part of things and thinking that certain foods were the problem or the “culprit” but then she helped me see that it is just a cycle that starts with how I process things like stress and anxiety. That is the motivation for it…I just need to focus on dealing with the emotions and feeling the feelings. Ugh, easier said than done sometimes, isn’t it?

  18. I love you!! Lets meet up soon so we can chat face to face.. mmkay? I can completely get you about the sleep thing. Thing is… I deal with anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t allow me to sleep. It’s all a vicious cycle. However, you are working through it, and you will come out of this stronger and even more vibrant. xoxo

  19. This is such a great post! Thankyou for sharing. You starting on this journey and openly talking about it inspired me to give up my fitness pal last week and give up counting calories. I’ve had set backs already and I know it is going to be hard especially the good vs bad food labeling as I’ve thought this way for years.

    You are doing so great and recognizing what you need like taking a break from blogging and then mixing it up to suit you. Also being able to talk about it and say when you know you are having trouble is sometimes the best way to overcome something. As if you don’t admit it you don’t recognize there is anything wrong do can’t devise a solution. Think about how long it took to learn all the foods that are good vs bad and the nutritional information on them and see how replacing these thoughts is going to take just as much time if not more to replace them. (All advice I should also be taking on board myself too).

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      You couldn’t be MORE right, Jan! I was JUST telling myself that it took YEARS for me to develop these disordered thoughts…I can’t expect to just be rid of them within a few months. I need to practice patience and remember that this is a PROCESS! And I totally understand how easy it is to give/state advice versus actually putting it into practice. I am SO proud of you for ditching MFP!! Please, feel free to email me if you ever need a a little encouragement…maybe we can just bounce the same words off each other until something finally sticks! 😉

  20. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. Deep breaths. One day at a time. Lots of love, friend.

  21. Fran@BCDC says:

    Oh, Ms. Heather…you need to stop comparing yourself to others and think about what’s best for you. The older I get, the more I realize just how much I’ve always compared myself with others throughout my life and how little good that did me. I was never going to be the little, cute, petite cheerleader with long straight blonde hair. Those were the people who dogged me in high school. THEY didn’t dog me, the THOUGHT of them dogged me and I thought I could never measure up. It took me a long time to realize that I like who I am, that I have long legs, big hips and curly hair. I also don’t see too well and I need glasses but they help me to see all of the beauty and wonder that there is in my life, and how lucky I am to be where I am today. Think about how lucky you are for all of the great things you have, the things you can do and the Person that you Are. We love you and you should too!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you so much, Fran! It really means a lot to me to hear things from your perspective…and I love all the positives you see! Just a reminder that time spent dwelling on things that you can’t change just wastes time that could be spent enjoying life. Thank you!

  22. No progress in the last month? I do hope you’re joking about that one, love, because what you wrote in this post? This is HUGE progress. Letting our feelings surface after we’ve been keeping them buried for so long is nothing to scoff at. It’s hard to face those buried emotions once they begin making their way to our conscious awareness, and as miserable as you might feel right now, you have to realize that this is part of the process – it’s one of those gets-worse-before-it-gets-better deals. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not necessarily feeling upbeat and happy all the time… you don’t have to be. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself and trust the process. Lots of love, lady <3 <3

  23. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, Heather. I’m here if you want to chat. You need to do what works for you and only you. What works for one, doesn’t work for another. Hope you’re ok xx

  24. Oh Heather… I just want you to know how much I care about you! I appreciate your honesty in this post. I’ve been struggling with my health, fitness, and nutrition these last few weeks too. For what it’s worth, I think you’re a wonderful person! You’ll get through this… and it looks like you have a lot of loving people in your corner to support and encourage you– including me!

  25. Marie-Sophie says:

    Honestly, I have been on that recovery road for years and it keeps being hard work … BUT it is amazing and kind of heartbreaking at the same time to look back on those sad & restricted times.

    And one of the best lines I’ve ever heard was “Keep your eyes on YOUR lane” !

    And this is exactly it! It is simply impossible to compare any aspect of your life with anyone else’s! Every single part of your life is unique because it’s yours! Your body, your needs, your health (everyone feels healthy differently), your happiness keys, your dreams ..)

    We just have a hard time learning to listen to ourselves these times! But it’s worth it! <3 Keep having fun finding yourself, Heather! <3 Chocolate encouragement hugs from Germany!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      You are SO right, Marie-Sophie! In fact, I was just talking to my mom last night about how it’s ridiculous to judge someone based on appearances because you have absolutely NO IDEA what is going on on the inside! You can never know the struggles of someone, the past from which they came, or the thoughts deep inside their minds. Funny how much easier it is not to judge another person, but at the same time, judging yourself which is what comparison really is if you get down to it.

      Thank you so much for the support (and the German chocolate-covered hugs)…it means so much to me! 🙂

  26. Hang in there, Heather! Glad you were able to use your blog as an outlet, and there are lots of people ready and willing to support you in any way that we can. You can do this! It takes some patience, and there will be times of struggle. BUT, they will become less and less frequent, and you will become happier and healthier!! I’m sending LOTS of positive and encouraging thoughts your way!! 🙂

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I really REALLY needed to hear (see?) this! Patience is definitely something I need to work on! Thank you so much for the encouragement, Michelle! It means so much to me to know I have your love and support! xoxox

  27. Just the fact that you can right a post like this shows just how far you have come. The comparison trap is an ugly game, but sometimes it takes falling into it to realize that any changes you want to make should come from you and be separate from all that nonsense. I can definitely relate to pulling away from some relationships in fear they will see my imperfections, but if you pull away those dame people also won’t be able to see all the things that make you fabulous. 🙂 Love you, girl!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      “…those same people also won’t be able to see all the things that make you fabulous.” <- Love this!! Oh my gosh, you are SO right, girlie! Thank you so so much! Love you!! xoxox

  28. Tiina says:

    Wow. I could have written this. Especially about pulling away from people. I”ve spent the last few months – ummm – year eating whatever I want, gaining weight, watching my psoriasis go out of control and getting more and more depressed. I”m going vacation with the fam next week. Hopefully the time away will give me perspective. I hope you find your way back too. I really enjoy your blog – and posts like this only make you more human and relatable. Thanks for sharing your journey so those of who see our reflection in your words feel less alone.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh honey, this just tugs at my heart! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! For the fear of feeling alone is what prompted me to write this post…I’m so glad that we can both get encouragement from this! As far as your vacation goes, LIVE IT!! A friend once told me, sometimes you have to disconnect to RECONNECT to find the true YOU! Refocus, recharge, and come back ready to make the changes you need to be happy and love yourself because that is what is most important…YOU!! *hugs*

  29. I think all your writing here is a sign that you really do need to take some YOU time to figure out what is right for you, how you feel about blogging, the IE, life situation & more.. maybe deep routed things at play. I only say this because I know I lived years with hiding stuff & then pulled away from people multiple times & now have things I just don’t discuss but I know need to be worked on.

    I think it is YOU time before it gets to far & you are 40 or 50 or 55 like me & still trying to figure out that stuff holding you back.

    HUGE HUGS & feel free toe mail; even though I know I am not one of your long time “blog friends”. 🙂

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you so SO much Jody! You couldn’t be more right on this…talk about some perspective! It’s time to quit ignoring things and really get down to it and figure out the what’s and the why’s! Oh my gosh, you are SO RIGHT!!!

  30. Robyn :) says:

    I have gone through periods like this, Heather. It will get better. It sounds like you are taking steps to get back on track, too. Just a little bit at a time. Every day is a new day 🙂

  31. Big hugs girl! I think it’s amazing you could be so honest in this post. It’s so easy to get tricked into thinking bloggers have perfect lives, so I love that you showed the other side of the story in this post. And I could totally relate. I get into slumps like this too. I don’t like to talk about it much because I’m a private person, but it helps to know I’m not alone. So I hope it helps you a bit to know you’re not along either. <3 And I know sometimes things seem miserable, but I can tell from this post that you're learning more about yourself everyday. And that's amazing. The more we are in tune with ourselves and the more we understand ourselves, the closer we are to being the best, happiest version of ourselves.

    If you ever want to chat, send me an email! xoxo

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you, Chelsea! It helps SO much to know I’m not alone…I don’t know what it is, but when times get the hardest, I forget about the world and feel like I’m the only one who could POSSIBLY be having any struggles. Guess I have a bit of suppressed drama queen in me! 😉 And thank you for noticing that I’m learning more about myself. I hadn’t really noticed until now…maybe that’s why it’s gotten a bit harder lately, but hey, there’s only one way to go from the bottom, right? 🙂

  32. purelytwins says:

    HUGS to you beautiful! what we tell each other and some of our clients that go through periods of feeling sad or ashamed we always say – tomorrow is a new day – a new day to start over. and it’s never too late to start over 🙂 we always try to look at the lessons those ‘sad’ moments teach us and learn from them. sometimes it is easier said than done even for us, we have those ashamed days when we feel we are doing it all wrong and feel alone. but then the next day comes and the light hits us and we are feeling good again. we are here for you girl, know that we are here cheering you on! 🙂 you will get through this! you’re a strong beautiful lady!!! HUGS
    L&M

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I feel the cheers, ladies! 100%!! Thank you so so much for your words of encouragement! After a few days to sit with my thoughts, I am really seeing that “light” and I’m ready to get up, dust myself off, and start again! 🙂

  33. Hey girl. I am sending you the biggest and strongest hug from rainy NYC your way! Now let me tell you something : this. Is. Progress. Believe me girl, I’ve been there and I am still in these funks here and there. But. We have to go through the fire to see the light. Amen. And you do the right thing. You listen to yourself, you grab your emotions and throw them put here, to face them and deal with them. And this is the hardest part. Don’t even get me started on how many cereal boxes I emptied (dry, no milk, no bowl and IF, then with 3 tsp sugar) on the floor of my pantry in an attempt to swallow down my anxieties and feelings. Let them out! Scream, cry, dance, laugh – just do what makes YOU feel good!! And if this is calling, writing or texting me, then YES please do so!! Always here, Lucie

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      My dearest Lucie, you always have that way…that way of getting right to my heart! I feel like you totally “get” me! Yes…go through the fire to see the light and let out those feelings!!! Yes, yes, YES!! Thank you so much girlie! I mean it from the bottom of my heart…your words are totally resonating with me! Love you! xoxox

  34. Heather, your blog is one of my favorites to read because it always puts a smile on my face, makes me laugh or makes my mouth drool in envy of your delicious food! I can completely relate with the whole comparison thing, especially with the blogging world. I struggle with the same thing in blogging, life and body image. It’s hard not to compare, but you have to remember, you are a strong, amazing and beautiful person. I can tell from your blog that you have a fun and bubbly personality who people want to be around. Even though we have never met, I feel like I know you through all that you portray on your blog. Hang in there and I’ll be sending you positive vibes your way (and hugs, too)!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Melissa, you are such a sweetie and your comment just made me smile SO big! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! Over the last few days, I’ve felt that I’m finally starting to really change my outlook on things…I know that I have a tendency to compare to others, but if I’m being honest, lately, I’ve been comparing myself to MYSELF! I’ve been focussing on all the progress that I feel I made in the beginning, but seeing my falters now as signs of failure instead of opportunities to learn. This is definitely something that is changing in me now…FINALLY!

      Thank you so much for the positive vibes…and I’ll take all the hugs I can get! 😀

  35. I read this yesterday & have been thinking about what to say that could make you “feel better”, but I can’t think of anything enlightening words, other than I wish I could pop a bottle of wine with ya right now and lend a *real life* ear.
    Thanks for being so open and honest – know that you’re NOT alone in feeling this way. In a sense, opening up about your struggles helps us confront our own fears and perception of failure, etc.
    Love you! XOXO

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I would give anything for that! Thank you so much for your love and support, Jo! You have no idea what it means to me!! Love you too!! xoxo

  36. You are definitely not alone in all of this. Finding peace is never easy and yes, there will always be a few steps back, but there will also be a few steps forward. You are such a strong, amazing and beautiful soul. Don’t let the down times in life define you. This is a lesson that I’ve worked on for so many years. Sure, I’m not perfect, but it’s these imperfections that make me…me. Keep your chin up my friend and keep moving forward. You will get to that place you want to be soon. Love you lady! xoxox

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      “Don’t let the down times in life define you.” <- I was JUST telling myself this yesterday. I've known this, but for some reason, I just kept ignoring the truth in it all this time! And you're right, finding peace is NEVER easy, but we should learn to appreciate the journey...because it WILL be better on the other side! Thank you for the reminder, Sarena! Love you SO much!! xoxo

  37. Dawn says:

    Every part of what you’re going through is to help you gain knowledge about what works for you and what doesn’t. I know that I can’t measure out food my husband cooks because I will over eat. I know this about myself. You may not have the same issue I do but we both know we have weaknesses. Now, how you handle those weaknesses tells a story and brings you to a special part of your journey. The part where you see what’s best for you.

    Hang I’m there.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      “Now, how you handle those weaknesses tells a story and brings you to a special part of your journey. The part where you see what’s best for you.” Wow. Just WOW! You have NO idea how much this just hit me in the chest! Thank you so much, Dawn!

      Wow. 😯

  38. I was just thinking about you this morning!!! I know it s a long, hard, road but you can do it!! You’re awesome and you’re such an inspiration to everyone!! 🙂 Hang in there, girl!

  39. Lisa says:

    Oh Heather, I wish I could give you a big, giant hug right now! I can certainly relate to those feeling you’re having. Being able to write this post shows the amazing positive steps you’ve taken to improve your life! Even if you are going through struggles, that’s what makes the journey in the end even more exciting! I’m definitely going through the same things in recovery with feeling my self esteem take a plummet, but I know that’s part of the road and that not everyday or every week will be perfect.
    You may not see the progress, but from reading your blog I have seen amazing, amazing progress in you! I think it’s harder for us to see those things in ourselves.
    You’re doing amazing, and just try to be easy on yourself and show yourself some love because you deserve it <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Lisa, I feel the same way…sending you the biggest virtual hug possible right now! Thank you SO much for your kind and reassuring words. You’re right, it really is hard to see the progress (and the positives) when we are stuck in our own little “hole”. Thank you for reminding me of this…I think I am FINALLY beginning to appreciate all of this as progress…and not as “some” progress and some “steps back”.

      xoxo

  40. lindsay says:

    Friend of mine, hello. You are making progress by writing this. It’s like a “get this off my chest right now” relief. The thing is, you are an incredibly beautiful woman. But you must believe that. Dealing with lack of sleep, work, hormones, digestion, etc can attack our minds. Taking time to just disconnect is what will help you RECONNECT with the TRUE you. You have my #. Text me, call me, whenever. <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you Linds! Thank you SO much! You know, I KNOW that I am being bombarded from all angles with outside forces right now, but it’s like every time those forces “win” I allow myself to feel like I failed…but I HAVEN’T! I think I just need to start focussing on one thing at a time instead of seeing everything come at me at once and then curling into the fetal position. Disconnect to reconnect…I like that! I definitely plan on using this weekend to take a break and really start practicing the art of being kind to myself (instead of just SAYING that that is what I need to do)! 🙂

      Thank you! Love you!! xoxoxo

  41. Elly says:

    I have been there… seriously, I had a black belt in cereal killing! (Almost any kind would not survive being taken back to my cupboard.) Be kind to yourself, it’s definitely a process. I struggled for a long time just not having all the info I needed on intuitive and emotional eating… Geneen Roth and others were great, but I was still missing some really important pieces. Then I found Josie Spinardi, the author of How To Have Your Cake And Your Skinny Jeans Too, and my life and eating has improved drastically — WHILE dealing with some very challenging life events. I second Gabby in highly recommending her book if you haven’t read it. Her work changed everything for me. (Her videos on YouTube are really helpful too.)

    Also, are you familiar with the happyeaters.net website? There’s some really good support and info there from women on similar paths. 🙂

    You can do it! It’s not about perfection.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      “Be kind to yourself, it’s definitely a process.” <- Thank you, Elly! I need reminding of this all too often! And thank you SO much for the resources! After seeing Gabby and you mention that book, I will definitely be heading out this weekend to look for it. I've started rereading parts of the Intuitive Eating book over the last couple of days (partly to get a review up on the blog, but mostly because I knew I needed to see some of those key points again) and seriously, I've been highlighting it like a mad woman! I'm also going to check out that website as I've never heard of it before. I think that would be something that would really help me! Perfection totally needs to be eliminated from my vocabulary...definitely working on that!

  42. Bryn says:

    oh lady…I’ve been there so many times! I get super motivated to work out, eat healthy, kic ass at my job, etc…and get so caught up in it that I burn out! There’s a reason we burn out, and a reason carbs exist. We need a break, we take breaks to find out what’s important to us, and to re-evaluate our happiness! Own it, love it, and know you’ll come out on the other side stronger and BETTER!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you Bryn! I think once I get the perfectionism thoughts out of my head for good, I’ll finally be able to balance things out more…instead of feeling the need to do everything “right” (working out, eating right, kicking ass! ;)) And you’re right, we need these breaks (I totally just typed breakfast…haha!) to refocus and recharge! “Own it and love it” <- LOVE THIS!!!

  43. Kat says:

    LOVE this post and LOVE you. Let me just say that I have been there more times than I can count! I baked cookies for my husband last night and ate about 10, in the kitchen, alone, until I even brought them out to him. Then he asked me if I wanted any, and I was like “Oh no Im full from dinner.” HA! How shameful is THAT?! I cant even confess to my HUSBAND!
    But, we all have our mishaps, our demons, and our struggles. That’s why I LOVE this community, because we can step forward and there is always someone right there to step up next to you and is willing to tell you their struggles.
    Im with you friend. Im offering you my hand if you want it! Not that you need it, because your so kicka$$ that you don’t need anyone’s help! :):):)

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you Kat…really, you have NO idea what this means to me. I can’t help but look at you sometimes and think that since you’ve come so far in your journey that you just have it ALL figured out. When you posted a couple weeks ago about the scale thing at the doctor’s office, I swear I almost cried. I don’t know why, but whenever I have struggles, I almost always start to think that I am the ONLY one who goes through rough times…like, seriously? So thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only one who doesn’t have it all figured out. And for real? I saw those cookies on IG…and well, you know my weakness for cookies, if I had been there, the hubby wouldn’t have had ANY! 🙂

  44. Jeannette B says:

    Oh honey (can I call you honey?), I’m with you. Reading this post, I just kept nodding my head and feeling a little sadder because I feel as though I could have easily typed these raw, valid feelings pertaining to myself. Food is a constant struggle for me, some days exercise feels like death, and I just want to curl up in bed with a giant bag of chocolate chips and pretend that the world beyond my bed is a cruel fiction. You really do remind me a lot of myself, and because of this fact alone, I know that you are awesome and that you’re going to be ok. 🙂 One tiny, scratch that, HUGE little mantra that I repeat to myself when necessary is “don’t miss the opportunity to start fresh.” Did you have cookies for breakfast instead of oatmeal? Take the opportunity to start fresh with your next meal. Missed today’s workout? Make tomorrow’s workout something you seriously enjoy (even if it’s hitting a dance club and dancing the night away) so that you will stoked for it. Also, having a like-minded friend whom you can text to help pull you out of this funk can be an enormous weight off your shoulders. With that said, let’s hold hands and be friends. We can ride this roller coaster together 🙂

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      “Don’t miss the opportunity to start fresh.” I like this. I was just telling Jamie the other day that I want to do better at thinking this way, but not leaving it up to tomorrow for the fresh to begin. Sometimes I feel that if I “mess up” and binge in the middle of my day, then the rest of the day is ruined…like I can’t start new until I go to sleep and wake up again. I need to practice seeing the “reset” button at any time of day…and not miss that chance to start over. Thank you for the reminder…AND for helping me feel a little less alone in this.

      PS, is it weird that when I read “giant bag of chocolate chips”, I immediately pictured a bag of GIANT chocolate chips? 😉

  45. I truly admire your honesty and thank you for posting this. It’s really nice to know that not all the popular bloggers are perfect! Thank you for being realistic!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Awww, you just called me a “popular blogger”?! This seriously just made me smile SO big! Do I get a crown? Or at least a wand…can I request it come in the form of a sparkly pancake spatula?? 😉

  46. You have all of the support behind you, Heather. The first step to overcoming everything is being honest with yourself. You’re already heading in the right direction! Keep talking and letting it out. We’re all ears. XO <3

  47. OMG I feel like you are talking about me right now in this post, I can totally relate.. I was doing great at blend, came home and continued to do well but then fell in a slump and recently wrote a post “getting back on track” but then yesterday was out of control, donut, snickerdoodle cookie, and a skinny cow ice cream sandwich, OMG. It just happens to us, all of us 🙂

  48. Allie says:

    “And when I say tall ones I mean beer. And when I say beer I mean cereal.” Girlll, I love you. Oh man is cereal good, and nothing like a box of it to drown (or dry out?) your sorrows in. And you KNOW you are more than welcome to call/text/meet up any time you’re feeling blue or lonely. I know it’s hard to reach out when you do feel like that, but, well, that’s what friends are for! I’m out of town tomorrow, but we should hang out this weekend–or at least next Friday!

  49. Rach says:

    You got this girl. Honesty and sharing where you are is such a great way to hold yourself accountable. It is definitely a journey, not a one-stop-shop. You will have good days and bad days and that’s okay. Eventually there will be fewer and fewer bad days and then a day comes when you don’t even think about it anymore. 🙂

  50. Courtney says:

    Hey Heather,
    I really love reading your blog, because you are real. I rarely will read “healthy living blogs” as I am truly recovering from a long time eating disorder and am very sensitive to what is put out there and deemed “healthy”. Intuitive eating doesn’t come to those who feel disordered or are disordered in their eating over night (or after reading a book). The progress and insight is what matters, which you have, and then you may make decisions based on that. There is no good or bad food. Food has no morals. We eat cereal because we like the taste of it. We exercise for enjoyment and to feel energized. I love your blog, please don’t be influenced by others’. <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Courtney! Thank you so much…I am sitting here with my hand to my heart after reading your kind words. You are right, I need to be patient…it took years for me to acquire these disordered thoughts, I can’t expect to shake them in a couple of months. Thank you! <3 X infinity! 😉

      "There is no good or bad food. Food has no morals." <- Loved this! So true!

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