Truthful Tuesday

You know how the saying goes, “Fake it till you make it”? -

Well, I’ve never been good at that.

While I can say that my excitement from this weekend was 100% genuine, there are a few things that have been on my mind lately…a few things that I’ve been trying to pretend away…a few things I think would just be better if I said them out loud.

Allow me to preface my purging of thoughts with this little nugget of info: In less than TWO WEEKS, I will on the sunny beaches of Panama City, Florida. Whether or not I’ll be dressed in a burqa is still up for debate…

1. Secret thoughts
When the man-friend first told me about the trip a couple of weeks ago (we’ll be joining some friends at their condo), I knew I’d have to ask off for work and honestly, with such short notice, I didn’t really think the time would get approved. I also think I was secretly hoping that it wouldn’t and this is why…

2. Muffin tops
Over the last month or so, I’ve put on some weight. I don’t know exactly how MUCH weight because I feel it would trigger negative behaviors if I stepped on a scale right now, but I know that a lot of my pants are fitting tighter. - Every time I think about my muffin top, I get a little depressed... then I'm all like,

It’s completely understandable that I’ve gained weight. I mean, I’m still struggling with my flexibility since my surgery and well, since I’m being completely honest, I’ll go ahead and say that I’ve lost just about ALL my motivation to work out. Yesterday was the first day I’ve stepped foot in the gym in over a MONTH! Plus, there’s been yogurt feasts, barbecues, and oh yeah, SEX cake!

3. Reflections
A couple of weeks ago, I was so excited to tell you guys about the progress I had made the area of self-love and how I planned to continue with my “I love you” exercise until I could look in the mirror and see that sexy beast looking back at me. Well, shortly after typing that post, my old “friend” insomnia decided to make a visit and let’s face it, the less sleep you get, the more you eat, and the less you feel like doing anything other than carving an indention of yourself into the couch while marathoning Orange is the New Black on Netflix. 

4. Fears
Now I’ve got a problem. I have a week and a half to find a swimsuit and at least a COUPLE ounces of self-confidence. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t wished I could just quit eating and magically shed a few pounds. Last week, I stressed out about it so much that I basically slipped into “last supper” mentality. I felt fat, which led to dieting thoughts, which led to dieting prep (aka, “EAT ALL THE FOOD!”). I know this is completely irrational, but I can’t help it…I’m an emotional eater and I always feel like the solution to my problems is in the bottom of a cereal box! Seriously though, all I can think about is love handles, horrible fluorescent lighting, and how I just wish for a second that we could go back to the 19th century when it was considered inappropriate to show an ankle! - Even though I passed out earlier, I'd take wearing this corset over swimsuit shopping ANY day!

5. Plans
All fears aside, this is happening. I WANT to go to the beach. I WANT to play in by the ocean. I WANT to have a good time with my friends. I DON’T WANT to constantly be thinking of ways to hide my body. This weekend, I’ll have time to shop. Until then, I’m going to straighten up, put down the box of cereal and my irrational thoughts, and surround myself with positive words and support like these…

Chelsea’s post is actually what prompted me to “come clean” today.
This post from Amanda was something I really needed to read again.
As are the principles of Intuitive Eating.
And speaking of, I just stumbled over this gem on the IE website.

What do you do to fight back negative body image thoughts?

When’s the last time you went to the beach?
I haven’t been in THREE years!

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70 Responses to Truthful Tuesday

  1. Lucie says:

    Oh girl, this is SO exciting that you go to the BEACH!!! I am so JEALOUS!!
    But I also know your fears. I’ve been sitting down to the last supper (well not really, mostly it happened standing in front of the open fridge door) many times and I was panicking my head off that I wouldn’t be in ‘proper’ shape to hit the beach.
    What helped me? First of all: It’s NEVER as bad as we think it is. Our thoughts can create a mountain of problems, which turns into a scary monster of harassment. But if you look at it rationally, then let’s face it: It’s not a disease – it’s weight. A few kilos, and they are not dangerous or something. PLUS – I am so sure that you are the only one who notice a weight gain. No one of your friends or the man friend cares about if your abs show up or not – they love you and they want to enjoy an unforgettable vacation with you – muffin tops or not!! I get you – I feel more confident in my swimsuit when I feel in shape too. I totally understand. But really – we all know that this is not what life is about.
    If negative thoughts want to ruin my days, I make a huge effort to eliminate them with POSITIVE thoughts. Being aware of what’s going on in my head is important, so I can ‘overwrite’ the negative thoughts with positive ones. I also talk about my fears. When you face them, they lose their harassment and domination and actually appear as what they are – silly, unnecessary words in our heads. Nothing else.
    SO SORRY for babbling on so long!!! Have a wonderful day!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Babbling?! I see no babbling going on here! Those are some wise words m’dear! I especially love this: “I also talk about my fears. When you face them, they lose their harassment and domination and actually appear as what they are – silly, unnecessary words in our heads. Nothing else.”

      Thank you so much, Lucie! I really…REALLY needed to hear this! And since I know you’ve struggled with the same issues, it means that much more to me! xoxo

  2. Isn’t it frustrating how something as stupid as a swimsuit can essentially RUIN the excitement of a vacation?! I remember in college, going on a trip with some friends to a lake and I spent all the time leading up to it worrying about my stupid swimsuit and how I would look. But then I realized NO ONE else cares! I was letting myself ruin what turned out to be a super fun time! So just remember that 1. No one cares as much as you do and 2. No one is as hard on you as you are on yourself!

    Now go have fun, Heather! 🙂

  3. I drink a TON of water and try to workout/be active any way that I can. That way, I can tell myself that I have actively tried to be healthy/better myself and not feel so ‘guilty’ about my body.

  4. amazing links, babe! thanks for sharing! also, thank you for being so honest and open about how you’re feeling. you’ll receive so much more support and insight by doing that <3 i know you know that, though. honestly, i am here for you babe. i am here if you want to talk on the phone again/text me and i can give you some meg pep talk 😉 i would love to help you feel better <3 however, i do just want to tell you what i told myself so many times while i was in barbados and feeling self conscious at times… "i need to be happy being me right now" i really had to learn to stop wanting something that i didn't have. like, stop thinking about how you want to look/feel. feel it right now! feel happy right now! feel confident right now! whatever you want to feel, feel it! that really helped me.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thanks honey! Thanks so much for being there and for offering encouraging words! It’s kind of a speak it into existence thing, isn’t it? I’ll just keep telling myself to be happy and enjoy my time on the beach and it WILL happen! It’s been TOO LONG since I’ve dug my toes into some sand, closed my eyes, and listened to the crashing waves…I will NOT let my thoughts ruin that for me! Woo hoo! <- picture me saying that and jumping in the air freeze-frame style! 😉

  5. Girl I’m so glad you posted this! Doesn’t it feel good to write it all out? I find it really helps me to come to terms with what I’m feeling and helps to cement the more positive thoughts in my mind.

    You have been having such an amazing time with the man friend this summer – I’ve really been able to sense your happiness through your posts about your adventures with him! And to have all those great times… isn’t a little muffin top worth it? Besides we’re usually SO much harder on ourselves than the rest of the world is. When I realized that no one else freaking cared about my extra 5 lbs, I realized then why should I care? It sounds cheesy but I’m starting to think that the only really important body part that we should care about is our SMILE! 🙂

    Email me if you ever want to chat!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Aww, that’s not cheesy at all! A true smile…one that lights up the eyes and spreads to the entire face…THAT is what I love! You can’t help but smile yourself whenever you see it! I want to thank you SO much for posting about your feelings with your recent weight gain. It was just what I needed! And yes, it feels SO GOOD to get it all out! Out with the bad, in with the good! 😀

  6. Girl I love you and your honesty! You’re such a beautiful person (on the INSIDE and OUT) and you deserve to FEEL that beauty! <3

  7. I can’t say much more than the others.. we are always harder on ourselves… Saying that though, why not just plan for it & just be diligent before you go – I am not saying crazy but eat cleaner & do some exercise – heck – just doing that makes us feel better anyway – moving & eating cleaner since some of the other foods can trigger depression & highs with crashes… I am not saying crazy, just baby steps to make you feel better about it.. so ya don’t do the last supper again! 😉 This cycle – what you are going thru – the catch 22 – the only way to solve it is to move away from it in a way that works for you – go & have fun!!!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I am doing my best this week to just listen to my body and do what feels good, but without thinking that I “need” or “have” to do things a certain way. I know I can’t change my body in a week, so I just have to put those thoughts aside, accept who I am NOW, and just focus on doing “me”! You are so right, you just have to do what works for YOU! Thank you SO much for the words of encouragement, Jody! 🙂

  8. Rosalie says:

    Um so you’ve described my experiences/thoughts around the beginning of May this year. I’d re-injured my hip flexor a few months prior, stopped working out, lost motivation to do so even when it did heal (which it took awhile to, anyway–I’m talking not able to walk longer than twenty minutes without pain), binge eating had escalated from depression/habit/last supper thoughts, my pants were… tighter. And I was headed off to Disney World with some family friends.
    Things I learned/noticed: no one gives a shit what you look like. No one but you. Your friends (or man friend) see YOU, not solely the body you inhabit.
    No one I came across knew that I’d gained weight because they were strangers who had never seen me before.
    I was not fat. I was nowhere near overweight. You are not fat. You are nowhere near overweight.
    Wearing weather-appropriate clothing and swimsuits is not a privilege reserved for the thinnest people of the world.
    Florida is really really hot and swimming is really really fun and the only thing holding me/you back was/is irrational doomsday thoughts about… well honestly if you ever try completing your doomsday scenario it ends up ridiculous. (If I go to the beach and I wear a swimsuit then just… just… Just what? Then you’re at the beach in a swimsuit like every other person there. That’s it. That’s the end of the story.)
    I’m really pale and burn easily so there’s no shame in wearing a t shirt or coverup overtop of swimsuit.
    Vacations are rare enough and there was no point ruining such a joyous, free time with said thoughts that would lock me inside.
    Loving your body is not a prerequisite for wearing a swimsuit, but wearing a swimsuit goes a long way towards loving your body.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh my gosh, Rosalie! Seriously? I feel like I need to print out your comment, fold it up, and keep it in my pocket for my entire trip! I will DEFINITELY be keeping this wise words of encouragement and TRUTH with me next week….especially this: “Wearing weather-appropriate clothing and swimsuits is not a privilege reserved for the thinnest people of the world.” and this: “Loving your body is not a prerequisite for wearing a swimsuit, but wearing a swimsuit goes a long way towards loving your body”

      Thank you SO much for not only sharing your thoughts and giving me a much needed “word smack” in the face, but also for sharing your own experience and helping me see that I am not alone. Now I can’t help but laugh at myself when I think of my doomsday scenario! Thank YOU!!!


  9. Happy that you posted this love – I know it helps to write everything out when you’re feeling this way. Whenever I start to feel a bit down on myself for my appearance or weight gain (I know I’ve gained in the last year or so) I remind myself that I got that weight through some awesome experiences – great date nights, baking experiments in the kitchen, nights out with friends…all through eating (and drinking) stuff that I 100% truly enjoyed. Those experiences and memories are always worth a few extra pounds! And this beach trip will just add to your memories of the summer, so try to enjoy it as best you can! I’m sure you’ll be able to find a bathing suit that looks absolutely fabulous on you and you’ll have a great time at the beach.

    And AWESOME for realizing that stepping on the scale could lead to negative behaviours and avoiding it! Whenever I feel tempted to scale back what I’m eating or feeling self-doubt in my appearance or size, I remind myself that no one cares nearly as much as I do – people out there still love me regardless of what my pants size is!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      That is such a great way of looking at things, Sam…especially when I think of the flip side of that see how many experiences I’ve missed out on because I was too afraid/stuck in my head. Thank you! I definitely needed this reminder…I am DETERMINED to make this trip the best it can be!

  10. We’ve talked about this so I won’t drone on and on right here…but I will say (and this sounds probably insignificant next to some of the other things said):
    Remember when you’re trying on suits, that the problem is with the SUIT! NOT YOU! When something looks bad, you don’t need to change YOU to make it look good, it looks bad because IT looks bad! Move on, it wasn’t for you. Find something that you feel comfortable and confident no matter the size or color of it. Remember that the bright blinding sun is always more flattering than that damn dressing room, and remember how good its going to feel when you’re bathing in sunshine and ocean water. You can do this! 🙂

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I want you to know (because I don’t think I told you when I texted you the pic yesterday) that I totally kept this in my head the WHOLE time I was shopping! Honestly, I think I lucked up because even though the sale rack was pretty small, I only remember trying on like 3 pieces that didn’t fit…one in particular, cinched me at the waist right below my “love handles” and I was like, “HOLY CRAP, this suit is AWFUL!” I didn’t even notice that was my mindset while it was happening, but thinking back on it now makes me feel sort of proud of myself and I seriously don’t think I could have done it without your advice/motivation! THANK YOUUUUUU! xoxo

  11. Do what I do – park your towel next time to the overweight beach go-ers. The same thing also works on the treadmill… 😉

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Bahahaha! That is SO funny and totally reminds me of how, when I used to bake a lot and take goodies into work, I’d tell my coworkers, “Eat up! The bigger you get, the smaller I look!” 😛

  12. Fight back against the negative thoughts! You have come so far in fixing your relationship with food and your body so don’t quit now! I totally understand swimsuit fear. I haven’t put on a bathing suit in almost a year and a half. That’s right, almost two whole summers without showing my body on the beach. I am really working myself up to it and I am hoping to wear one before he end of this summer. If you can do it, I will know I can too! And you are totally right not to step on the scale. I have completely dirge the cake because I know it will not make me feel good about myself. Just keep eating in a way that makes you feels strong and nourished, find a killer suit and rock it on the beach!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Yes!! Omg, Devon, I am so pumped after reading this! I found a suit this weekend (actually, I found TWO) and honestly, the shopping experience wasn’t bad at all! I think it was all about how I approached it…if I put on something that was unflattering, I didn’t blame myself, I blamed the seamstress! I kept focussing on the parts of my body that I DO like and looked for pieces that called more attention to those and in this case, “those” would be “the girls” 😉 I was feeling pretty confident standing in that dressing room that people aren’t going to be looking at my muffin top because all they’ll be able to see is CLEAVAGE! Lol

      You are absolutely gorgeous, my friend so I think you have absolutely NOTHING to worry about should you get that chance to rock it on the beach, but I do have a piece of advice for you since I’ve seen some pictures…go to the store right now and find a suit that plays up that ROCKIN’ booty of yours…you’ve worked hard for it! 😉

  13. Courtney says:

    I’m sure it felt good to post this and be true to yourself. All the power to you, Heather! I definitely struggle with body image acceptance, and I have found a lot of peace in recognizing that I am the greatest thing that will ever happen to me. I think that body acceptance is much more than simply taking care of our physical selves, it comes when we are taking care of our physical, emotional, and spiritual health. When I pick on myself for my appearance or appetite I do nothing but create mounds of worthless, stinking guilt (don’t confuse this with true guilt). There is nothing to correct in these situations, I have done nothing wrong… and so I get trapped in myself. I put myself in this impossible situation and then wonder why I can’t get out! Anyways, that’s my rant! You’re beautiful and deserve to trust yourself, be true to yourself, and honor yourself always. Hugs.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Courtney! You hit the nail on the HEAD!! Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and for helping me see that I’m not alone. Hugs BACK! 🙂

  14. Huge hugs to you, love. I know how hard it can be to deal with all those negative body-image thoughts, but honestly? NO ONE notices/cares but you. You know what other people DO care about? How happy you are. How kind you are. How relaxed you are… Your personality and disposition is really the only thing that anyone notices. If you feel insecure and uncomfortable, others notice. But if you’re rocking the confidence, then no one is going to give two hoots about what you look like in a bathing suit. Life is about SO much more than weight, so focus on those moments that really matter 🙂

  15. Melinda says:

    I’m so there. I’m a teacher and going back to work has triggered stress eating. I actually didn’t go to the gym the other day because my workout clothes are too tight and I have muffin top. How crazy is that? The gym is where I NEED to be. Not just to lose weight but because it makes me feel better. I’m glad I read this today. Sometimes it just feels good to know I’m not the only one who struggles!!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      It’s so hard to get caught up in the self-pity and feel like we’re all alone…but you are definitely NOT! And I completely understand how you feel about the gym clothes! I have a dresser FULL of different workout clothes, but a few weeks ago, I chose the “wrong” shorts and it totally bummed me out! Here’s a trick that I just learned from a friend recently (I actually used it when swimsuit shopping this weekend and it worked great!): Whenever you try something on that doesn’t quite fit, instead of feeling like YOU are the the one to blame for it being uncomfortable and unflattering, think of it in a way that’s more nurturing, forgiving, and logical…it’s that damn piece of clothing’s fault! 😉 Now, take it off, put on something that makes you feel GOOD about yourself and put all those negative feelings aside! And even if you have to find a bigger size, I will tell you RIGHT NOW, it feels so much better to be in clothes that fit rather than have a constant pinching reminder of your faults. 🙂

  16. I swear you and I are always on the same wavelength! Thank you SO much for posting this. You have indeed inspired me (yet again) to make another blog post for the night. It’s time for me to “come clean” and this was that extra little push I needed to do so.

    I was in quite the funk almost the entire month of July. It was quite ridiculous and I never spoke up or even faced myself with it until now. Definitely spent my share of time in bed watching Orange in the New Black as well.

    Also thank you for sharing those links as well. Loved them all and they were each a big help!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Tiffany! I hope things are looking up for you now, sweetie! Getting it all out there really can be the cathartic release you need sometimes…OUT with the good and IN with the bad! *hugs*

  17. I know exactly how you feel! I just recently visited my parents’ lake house for the first time in a year and a half, and I was SO worried about wearing a bathing suit (it’s been a while since I’ve done that too). I just remembered that I am my own worst critic–chances are people are not even looking at you, let alone noticing that you’ve gained a few pounds.
    You’re gonna rock that swimsuit, I know it!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thanks Caroline! It’s crazy how stuck in our heads (and on ourselves) when it comes to things like this, huh? I actually had the opportunity last week for an out, but I decided that I am doing this…and I’m going to pack all the encouragement/cheering on I’ve gotten from you guys in my suitcase and I’m going to have FUN! 🙂

  18. purelytwins says:

    negative body talk can be so hard to overcome sometimes, we are lucky that we have each other. so when one of us feels sad or a little down — the other twin brings that one up. doing some activities that make us happy or forget about the negative self thoughts helps – like getting in the kitchen, taking a bath, going for a walk.
    just know you are not alone. we all have those moments. just remember you are beautiful and strong person, and you will look amazing in that swimsuit.

  19. Okay first of all, you are GORGEOUS. Seriously. And remember that we’re all our biggest critics. I notice every lump and bump on my own body, but I’m pretty sure that everyone is too preoccupied with their own body to even think about mine.

    You need to develop of case of the “fuck-its” asap. Whenever negative thoughts pop into your head, just think “FUCK-IT” and keep having fun, because life is too damn short.

    Also, whenever I gain a little weight, I like to play up the boobs (since they always seem to grow when I gain weight). They make great distractions. Plus, I’m sure your Man Friend wouldn’t object.


    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Aww, thank you Carly! And just so you know, I thought of you this weekend when I was shopping for suits…I’m definitely playing up the top in order to distract from the bottom…color, patterns, and some good ol’ fashioned cleeeeeeeeeeeavage! 😉

  20. Missy says:

    Sooo glad you are getting to go to Panama City! You will have so much fun. As far as your fears? I totally understand the FEELINGS you have; but they don’t match the REALITY I see in your pictures. You look wonderful and in that gym photo on IG, I did not notice you looking any bigger. Of course, I realize that I am not scrutinizing every body part in the mirror like you are, but I do know that you most likely have some degree of body dysmorphia (it comes with the territory). So with that said, no one can magically make going swimsuit shopping any easier but honestly, no one but you will be criticizing your body. Trust me, I go to the beach a lot and there are MANY people who are in bikinis and having fun without a care in the world about their body, warts and all! I mean, who are these people going to be comparing you to? No, they will see a beautiful, vibrant, and fun girl having loads of fun on the beach! Just go and have fun. Your personality is the best part of you – not your body. Be you and have fun. L-I-V-E!!! and don’t live a little, live a lot!
    Hugs to you precious!! (and seeing your 10 year reunion photos makes me wonder what mirror you are looking in???!)
    Just think, what would you say to any of us if we were struggling with feelings? It is easy to see that others are hard on themselves and can’t see themselves like you do. Same here. We see the beautiful Heather. And IF you have gained any weight – then it was probably needed. You will get back to the clean eating and exercise because that makes you feel good – but for now, take it slow and just enjoy your trip.
    We are going to the beach in September and I am excited. I may have to go to the “Confidence Store” and hope there is a sale because I may need it as the days draw near, lol. But no, I am gonna take my own advice and go have fun! I don’t know any of those people and if they think my body is ugly – there are about 300 other degrees they can turn their heads and not see me!!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Missy, I love you SO much! I just want you to know that I have read this comment at least four times over the last week…and it still brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for this…for telling me like it is and helping me see that I am just being hard on myself. The problem is that I KNOW I’m overthinking things, but I just can’t seem to believe it when I tell myself that. Like I told you on Twitter earlier, the suit shopping was a success…both physically AND mentally so I can feel my perspective changing a bit! I hope…no, I WILL be ready by the end of the week to step out onto that beach and just have FUN! And in September, I hope KNOW you will do the same!!

  21. The whole fake it til you make it thing has never worked for me too well either. You just have to remember that absolutely no one else is thinking all the negative thoughts about you that are floating around in your head, and that all they see is a gorgeous girl having fun on vacation at the beach. So go enjoy yourself and forget about the rest. 🙂

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I know this. I really do. But I think it’s just something that I had to hear from someone other than myself. Thank you, Gina! xoxo

  22. Such a great post. IE is such an ongoing thing and so many things can trigger those thoughts when you least expect it or think you’ve gotten past it. I’m travelling for work a lot at the moment which means I can’t eat stuff from home as much as I normally would and at times it has had me having some warped thoughts that I thought I was a bit past. I now feel like I need to keep learning more about IE and keep going with it. When I first started I had information overload and wanted a break from reading about it and just trying to live it.

    Bathing suits would be a potential trigger for anyone. Know that no one stresses or worries about how you look in a suit as much as you do!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I totally understand the information overload thing. I had to take it slow when learning more about it myself in the beginning. I think it helps it stick better when taking it in in small doses too…especially when it comes down to me and my perfectionistic personality. I can’t focus on too much at once or I’ll try to DO everything at once AND be perfect at it…which is laughable, but unfortunately how my mind works most of the time. Lately, I’ve been going back to some of the things I’ve learned (and read in the IE book) and it’s been really helpful to have that support.

      Thank you so much, Jan for all your sweet comments! They always help lift me up!

  23. Jessica says:

    Thank you. Thank you for posting such an honest and REAL conversation! You are not the only one to feel like this. And, we should all be comfortable with who we are. That should be the new “New Year’s Resolutions” for women. Thank you for also linking to order posts as yours.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      No, Jessica, thank YOU…for taking the time to comment! It really means a lot to me to know that people DO actually care what I have to say! 🙂

  24. Kat says:

    Oh my love, how I know EXACTLY what your going through. When it comes to a suit, I say cover the place that leaves you self conscious, that way you wont be constantly worried about it when the day comes. I cant stand my legs in a bathing suit, so I usually wear some sort of coverup or shorts so that my legs are covered. My stomach I don’t care that much about, so I’ll rock the bikini! That’s what makes ME feel comfortable. Just don’t make me take off the shorts….I may have to strangle you 😉
    But unfortunately yes, there are SO many things that can trigger those ED thoughts, and a bathing suit is a BIG BIG one. Just remember that you look better than you THINK you do. I bet every guy and girl will totally be gawking at you and your almost heeled knee 😉 And at the end of the day, please please PLEASE, be proud of the accomplishment you made by simply GOING to the beach!! So many would find a way around it and never take on the fear. Take on that fear and crush it!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Kat! Thank you!!! I’m still a bit nervous, but almost ready for this. I’ll admit, I actually had an out a few days ago, but I held to my decision. Like I said, I WANT to go to the beach and I WANT to have fun…and darn it, I WILL! I got my suit yesterday so now it’s just a matter of prancing around the house in it to get used to how it feels and then I’ll be set! 😉

      PS, Thanks for cheering me on! xoxo

  25. Hi, friend. I’m so glad I chose your blog to catch up on first, because I always know you are going to provide me with not only laughter and creative inspiration, but also honesty and truth that often sync up to things I have been feeling. Happy for me, I have only had a few slip-ups and setbacks, even with the stress of moving and the occasionally loneliness of my new life beginning. I want so much for you to be constantly in (self) love, and to know that your body size and shape doesn’t define you. I also want to always believe this myself. You are beautiful, and even if these words don’t make it true to YOU, it is the reality. In the meantime, get yourself a cute cover-up and enjoy being on the beach. No one says you have to bare it all [Says the girl with sensitive skin who really CAN’T walk around without eight layers of clothing and sunscreen….]

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you so SO much my sweet friend! I swear, you’re gonna make me cry! Thank YOU!!

      PS, I found a suit yesterday…now I need a great ol’ big floppy hat! I was just telling Melissa (Treats with a Twist) yesterday how I could sit in a VAT of sunscreen and STILL come out with a sunburn! 😯

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  27. Your posts are always so timely Heather! I read that link from Teresa awhile ago but had completely forgotten about it. This is just what I needed to read today. Thanks so much!

  28. Lindsay says:

    well, i know you and have seen you in person. Wanna know my first thought? GORGEOUS and lean. And i speak truth. Seek TRUTH! KNOW truth! and believe that friend. You are stronger than those thoughts.

  29. Man when I think about all the years I lost worrying about the exact same thing. Even now when I hear beach vacation, there’s a little voice that goes crap, I have to wear a bathing suit. This year was actually the very first year I completely dismissed that voice. It popped up a couple of times when I was on the beach last month and for whatever reason I was able to let it go and just accept my body for what it was/is. Am I in great shape? Yes, but it doesn’t mean my stomach is perfectly sculpted (um hello cheese) or that I don’t have problem areas. I guess I finally just accepted them and it allowed me to be happy and carefree, which is what really makes someone look good.
    My advice would be to buy a suit you feel comfortable in and to double up on your self love pep talks. Also, I think you should prance around the house in your new bathing suit so you feel comfortable by the time your trip happens. Tiger will love it, although id recommend staying away from the stove. Oh and remember, you look hot; own that.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh this makes me happy! Good for you for telling off that voice and really enjoying your vacation! It actually reminds me of my last trip to the beach (three years ago) where I felt the same way. There were a couple of times where I started to feel those negative thoughts come up, but I can honestly say for the entire week I was there, I actually felt like I accepted myself. Now I just have to get BACK to that! Oh and I think that’s a great idea to wear the suit around the house!! But yeah, I’ll be sure to stay away from the stove for sure! Lol

  30. Your trip sounds so exciting! And don’t worry, you’re definitely not alone with a lot of your feelings and fears. Running does wonders for my confidence and body image, but of course every time I start feeling bad about myself I can’t throw on my shoes and go for a run, so whenever I have “fat” days, I just repeat over and over again in my head that I am a fit, strong runner, and I am proud of everything my body has been able to accomplish. Sometimes it take a lot of self talk before I feel better, but usually I can talk myself out of a funk.
    Keep surrounding yourself with supportive people, girl, and keep up with motivating self-talk! It works wonders 🙂

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Love this! I’m really working on getting better about giving (and BELIEVING) more positive self-talk! Thank you so much, Brittany! 🙂

  31. I hope you feel a lil better after talking it out! You’re not alone. I’m not as sculpted anymore right now either cuz I’ve had to stop lifting due to a neck/shoulder issue. It makes me not want to be as strict on my diet either. But I’m just trying to enjoy myself without worrying so much. I’m planning on doing a post about it soon. I’ve been meditating too which is helping. Maybe you could try that? 🙂

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thanks, Lauren! It really has helped to get this off my chest…I’ve been up and down for the last week, but I think some things I’ve written, told others, AND the enormous support I’ve gotten from all of you guys is finally starting to sink in a bit. I’m sorry to hear about your injury. It’s understandable to look for comfort in foods by being less strict on your diet. I’ve never really been great at meditating (I blame my self-diagnosed ADD), but the time I have to think whenever I’m on my walks seems to help a great deal! I realized just how much when I went to the park last week for the first time in what felt like AGES (we’ve been having a lot of rain around here lately so it’s been a while). It felt so good to get some fresh air AND to just move my body! 🙂

  32. I am fairly nay VERY certain that most of our body issues have to do with the fact that we ALL only post the best pictures of ourselves. And the media. (duh..blame it all on media)

    Seriously, how would we KNOW we weren’t absolutely perfect were it not for all of that.

    Confession: I went to the chive (I thought it was a site with just funny pictures) and cried for about an hour after seeing the pictures of girls in bikinis AND the comments from the men below. I cried in anger at how unapologetically crude the men were (“why aren’t all women like #3??”), I cried that my boobs are small, I cried that I know dudes who are obsessed with this site and realizing why. It’s the comparison that gets us. And it gets to everyone. I’m fairly certain that all of those girls that sent their pics into that site wanted to know that they were good enough to be on it. So stinkin’ sad!!

    Just know that you are beautiful in every way possible! AND we are all our own worst critics! Also, guess what happens to girls when they gain weight…bigger boobs!! Hoorah!! 🙂

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Hahaha! Actually, I just realized the other day that most of MY weight goes straight to my ass! I was like, “oh ho ho, look at THAT!” then I may or may not have started humming “Baby Got Back” 😉

      Confession: I never even knew what the chive was until now…I just pulled it up in my browser for a minute for a little look-see, but I didn’t look at any of the comment’s because from what you just told me, I don’t need to see them. You are SO right to blame the media too…how true that we would have no frame of reference were it not for everything we see and compare ourselves to out there!

  33. This summer I went to the beach with my boyfriend’s fmaily for a week. All in the midst of trying to reverse (diet), i.e., add in calories to increase my metabolism and reverse damage. The first few days were a bit uncomfortable, but midweek I was able to say, “f*ck it” and enjoy myself, including giving myself a vacation in terms of workouts, food and alcohol. Did I come back a little squishier? Yes. Was I the thinnest girl on the beach. Nope. Does my boyfriend love me, and did I enjoy myself, and do I have the rest of my life to kick butt in the gym and experiment on works best for my body, health and aesthetic wise. Yup. I understand sporting a bikini can be the last thing you want to do, but I always ask myself, what am I getting from the self hate? Nothing. And what do I have to gain from fully living? Everything. <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Love this! And LOVVVVVVE YOU!! Like seriously Cassie, oh…my…GOSH! When I got to the “f*ck it” part, I smiled…when I read the “does my boyfriend love me” part, I nodded my head…and when I got to the last part, I felt like I’d been smacked in the face…in a GOOD way! You are SO right! Self hate does absolutely NOTHING for us. It just keeps us in a little bubble of negativity while life passes us by. Well, I say f*ck it! I’m popping that bubble right now! 😀

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  35. calee says:

    This has been me for the past year, until I finally decided that a “workout” isn’t defined the same way I used to define it: “I’m still struggling with my flexibility since my surgery and well, since I’m being completely honest, I’ll go ahead and say that I’ve lost just about ALL my motivation to work out.” Been there. Done that. It’s not fun. And I hate that you’re stuck there too.

    Last year I went on this canoe trip and I was seriously wigging out like you are right now because all the girls on that trip are stupidly naturally thin (like I-eat-twinkies-all-the-time-and-am-still-hot thin). Last year was the first time I stepped foot in a bikini over a specific weight (not listing b/c I know weight is a trigger for ppl). It was so uncomfortable. I’m not any different than I was last year at that time (OK so I lost SOME weight, but I’m still way over the old “approved bikini weight”), and I rocked a bikini the entire week we moved. It was glorious.

    My point is, it’s like that post you mentioned (about a smaller size jeans): you have to find happiness where you are because if you put all your energy into changing, it’s not only negative, but it stresses you out and causes all these stupid side effects (insomnia maybe?) and makes you pack on MORE weight (which is scary). You look beautiful, and even though you gained some weight, nobody is going to notice because you’re probably still the same overall shape that you always were.

    My advice: find a top that has crazy pushup because then people will be too busy looking at your cleavage to notice a muffin top.

    If all else fails, find a cute coverup. I think UO and Anthro have some …

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Caleeeeeeeeeee! I friggin’ love you, doll! You are SO right, “you have to find happiness where you are because if you put all your energy into changing, it’s not only negative”! I was just talking with a friend the other day about our definition of our “perfect” body and how it really can never exist…because once we get to that “goal”, we always think we can do better…we always want more…but at what price? Since that conversation, I have to say my perspective has changed a bit. And I’m happy to report that I went swimsuit shopping yesterday and it was a total SUCCESS! First store, TWO suits, and I only saw the couple that didn’t fit/look right on my body as just that…not right for MY body! I have to say, I really thought it was gonna be a lot worse than that…and actually, I think it could have been had I went earlier in the week before having my little moments of “revelation”! Amazing (and sad) how stuck in our heads we can get sometimes, huh?

      And I totally understand what you mean about redefining the workout…I just need to sit down and really think about what that is for me because right now, all I’m doing is beating myself up for not doing “enough” when, if you think about it, at least I’m doing SOMETHING! Yeah, maybe I should just read that sentence back to myself over and over until it sticks!

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  37. I love your honesty. You make me feel so much more comfortable about some of the things that I struggle with. Thanks for sharing this post. You have no idea how much you’re helping others by being so real!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you, Brittany!! You’ve been on my mind recently…I’ve been meaning to pay your bloggy a little visit! Hope you’re doing well! 😀

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