You know how the saying goes, “Fake it till you make it”?
Well, I’ve never been good at that.
While I can say that my excitement from this weekend was 100% genuine, there are a few things that have been on my mind lately…a few things that I’ve been trying to pretend away…a few things I think would just be better if I said them out loud.
Allow me to preface my purging of thoughts with this little nugget of info: In less than TWO WEEKS, I will on the sunny beaches of Panama City, Florida. Whether or not I’ll be dressed in a burqa is still up for debate…
1. Secret thoughts
When the man-friend first told me about the trip a couple of weeks ago (we’ll be joining some friends at their condo), I knew I’d have to ask off for work and honestly, with such short notice, I didn’t really think the time would get approved. I also think I was secretly hoping that it wouldn’t and this is why…
2. Muffin tops
Over the last month or so, I’ve put on some weight. I don’t know exactly how MUCH weight because I feel it would trigger negative behaviors if I stepped on a scale right now, but I know that a lot of my pants are fitting tighter.
It’s completely understandable that I’ve gained weight. I mean, I’m still struggling with my flexibility since my surgery and well, since I’m being completely honest, I’ll go ahead and say that I’ve lost just about ALL my motivation to work out. Yesterday was the first day I’ve stepped foot in the gym in over a MONTH! Plus, there’s been yogurt feasts, barbecues, and oh yeah, SEX cake!
A couple of weeks ago, I was so excited to tell you guys about the progress I had made the area of self-love and how I planned to continue with my “I love you” exercise until I could look in the mirror and see that sexy beast looking back at me. Well, shortly after typing that post, my old “friend” insomnia decided to make a visit and let’s face it, the less sleep you get, the more you eat, and the less you feel like doing anything other than carving an indention of yourself into the couch while marathoning Orange is the New Black on Netflix.
Now I’ve got a problem. I have a week and a half to find a swimsuit and at least a COUPLE ounces of self-confidence. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t wished I could just quit eating and magically shed a few pounds. Last week, I stressed out about it so much that I basically slipped into “last supper” mentality. I felt fat, which led to dieting thoughts, which led to dieting prep (aka, “EAT ALL THE FOOD!”). I know this is completely irrational, but I can’t help it…I’m an emotional eater and I always feel like the solution to my problems is in the bottom of a cereal box! Seriously though, all I can think about is love handles, horrible fluorescent lighting, and how I just wish for a second that we could go back to the 19th century when it was considered inappropriate to show an ankle!
All fears aside, this is happening. I WANT to go to the beach. I WANT to play
in by the ocean. I WANT to have a good time with my friends. I DON’T WANT to constantly be thinking of ways to hide my body. This weekend, I’ll have time to shop. Until then, I’m going to straighten up, put down the box of cereal and my irrational thoughts, and surround myself with positive words and support like these…
Chelsea’s post is actually what prompted me to “come clean” today.
This post from Amanda was something I really needed to read again.
As are the principles of Intuitive Eating.
And speaking of, I just stumbled over this gem on the IE website.
What do you do to fight back negative body image thoughts?
When’s the last time you went to the beach?
I haven’t been in THREE years!