Today I come clean.
I’ve been in a bit of an abusive relationship for a while now. Whenever we’re apart, I can’t help but dream of him, but the moments when we ARE together, are filled with nothing but disappointment and pain…
Oh yeah, this was a LONG time coming…
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Dear Deceiving, Lying Bast-…Toaster Pastry,
I see you running around all day, sporting your new flavors all over town, promising thrill and excitement to the tastebuds. Oh yeah, don’t think I didn’t catch the latest commercial. But you know what? You’re nothing but a poser.
Multigrain, vitamins, balanced-breakfast, MY ASS!
You and I have a long history…elementary school all the way up to college! Honestly, I thought I loved you when I was younger…especially whenever you put on that little strawberry number. You were fun and exciting and covered with sprinkles…I mean, plain ol’ bowls of oatmeal and cereal had nothing on you. Whether it was at the breakfast table or on the go, you always seemed to satisfy me. But that was then and this is now. I’ve grown, my tastes have changed and while I know you’d like to think you’ve “kept up with the times”, I’m gonna tell you right now,
That frosting ain’t hiding NOTHIN’!
I’m done with you. Done. No longer will I perk up when I pass your commemorative shrine in the breakfast aisle. No longer will I sit and dream about how good I think you will be. No, because now I see the truth…you’re just no good for me!
Inside, you’re just a glorified breakfast “treat”. A washed up batch of franken-ingredients. A stale slab of dry pastry dough enveloping a congealed mixture of tummy-ache producing, sugar-high causing, I’m-hungry-again-in-like-three-hours crap!
I hope you have fun living your life of lies. I hope you feel good knowing the false sense of breakfast deliciousness you’re spreading around like a damn disease.
I hope you die a SLOW DEATH at the hands of a defective kitchen appliance.
As for me, I’ll be moving on to bigger, better,
MORE GRATIFYING breakfasts…
That’s right…ICE CREAM…for BREAKFAST! And I wasn’t even wearing pants! Now put that in your toaster and burn it!
As for everyone else, I hope you have a wonderful Thursday and yes, the recipe for this rebound breakfast will be up first thing in the morning!
Please tell me I’m not the only sucker out there! Are there any foods out there that you need to “break up” with?