It’s Not Me, It’s You…

Today I come clean.

I’ve been in a bit of an abusive relationship for a while now. Whenever we’re apart, I can’t help but dream of him, but the moments when we ARE together, are filled with nothing but disappointment and pain…

The Man-friend TextOh yeah, this was a LONG time coming…

* * *

Dear Deceiving, Lying Bast-…Toaster Pastry,

PoptartsI can’t deny the way you make me feel any longer. Monday morning’s incident was the last straw…the motivation that I needed to finally speak up…

I see you running around all day, sporting your new flavors all over town, promising thrill and excitement to the tastebuds. Oh yeah, don’t think I didn’t catch the latest commercial. But you know what? You’re nothing but a poser.

Multigrain, vitamins, balanced-breakfast, MY ASS!

You and I have a long history…elementary school all the way up to college! Honestly, I thought I loved you when I was younger…especially whenever you put on that little strawberry number. You were fun and exciting and covered with sprinkles…I mean, plain ol’ bowls of oatmeal and cereal had nothing on you. Whether it was at the breakfast table or on the go, you always seemed to satisfy me. But that was then and this is now. I’ve grown, my tastes have changed and while I know you’d like to think you’ve “kept up with the times”, I’m gonna tell you right now,

That frosting ain’t hiding NOTHIN’!

I’m done with you. Done. No longer will I perk up when I pass your commemorative shrine in the breakfast aisle. No longer will I sit and dream about how good I think you will be. No, because now I see the truth…you’re just no good for me!

Inside, you’re just a glorified breakfast “treat”. A washed up batch of franken-ingredients. A stale slab of dry pastry dough enveloping a congealed mixture of tummy-ache producing, sugar-high causing, I’m-hungry-again-in-like-three-hours crap!

I hope you have fun living your life of lies. I hope you feel good knowing the false sense of breakfast deliciousness you’re spreading around like a damn disease.

I hope you die a SLOW DEATH at the hands of a defective kitchen appliance.

As for me, I’ll be moving on to bigger, better,

Almond Joy SundaeLike an Almond Joy Granola Sundae!

That’s right…ICE CREAM…for BREAKFAST! And I wasn’t even wearing pants! Now put that in your toaster and burn it!

As for everyone else, I hope you have a wonderful Thursday and yes, the recipe for this rebound breakfast will be up first thing in the morning! 😉

Please tell me I’m not the only sucker out there! Are there any foods out there that you need to “break up” with?

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47 Responses to It’s Not Me, It’s You…

  1. I’m in a (temporary?) break-up from Greek yogurt. It may come back from time to time but when I realized it made me fill up like a balloon, it lost it’s spot in the lunch lineup for the time being. Thankfully coconut milk yogurt is a god-send! 🙂

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh wow, really? Dang girl, that stinks! I’ve had that happen a couple of times, but I think my digestive system was just a little out of whack. I’ve never tried coconut milk yogurt. What’s your favorite?

  2. I feel like I’m the only one, but I’m not really the biggest fan of Pop Tarts. My parents never bought them for me as a kid, so one time when I was 13 and having a sleepover with a friend and we bought lots of junk food, and I threw some Pop Tarts in the cart… I expected them to be magical when I finally tried one, but I wasn’t even that impressed haha.

    I need to break up with all the treats at the bakery where I work! I’ve eaten way too many this summer. 😛

  3. haha I’ve never had a poptart (they just don’t appeal to me at all) but oh my gosh, don’t get me near cinnamon toast crunch. I could eat an entire box for a snack!

  4. I’ve broken up with so many foods- mostly because my tummy can’t deal with them. I have an on-again off-again relationship with chocolate and I’m totally ok with that status 😉

  5. Hehe!:) I banned these from my life back at 19 when I went through a binge period and use to slather my mother’s Brown Sugar Poptarts that she at for the last 15 years of her life with peanut butter and then dip them in milk- oh yeh-I had it bad! I haven’t touched “the tart” in 9 years and cringe everytime I look at a box now! Plus, it just pisses me off they label them as whole grain now- as if that makes a freakin’ difference! Hail to the kale is what I’m talking about!:)

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Hahaha! Omg, seriously?! You’re cracking me up! And yeah, totally guilty of an obscene slather of peanut butter meeting my strawberry ‘tarts! *shudder*

  6. I really need to break up with ice cream.. esp sea salt caramel gelato. i’m hoping we can see each other as ‘friends’ occasionally, but the whole going out every night thing is not good for me. haha I love this. and you crack me up. I still love a cinnamon brown sugar frosted poptart hear and there. its like a once a year kinda thing.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Sea salt caramel gelato?! Omg, is that the Talenti stuff? I saw it on someone’s Instagram a couple of weeks ago and just about died! Ugh, why Lactaid…why must you fail me now?! Wahhhhh!

  7. SB says:

    I need to break up with Vitatops. If they are in my house, I have one with ice cream for dessert, even if I’m not really in the mood. It’s more of a long-standing habit than because I really want one. *Then* I end up eating the dessert I actually want on top of it. It’s pathetic. But they were on sale 2 for 1…

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh the dreaded 2 for 1 sale…gets me every time! I’m just now getting to the point where I can keep ice cream in the house without eating it every frickin’ day. It just takes time to convince yourself that it will always be there…and if you have it more sporadically, it makes it more special! 😀

  8. YES, plenty of breakups but NOT with my cookie treats! 🙂

    I laughed so hard at this – great post!

  9. The only reason any of like Pop Tarts is for the “remembered taste.” They totally bring back good memories of sleepovers and special occasions. But yeah, if I had to choose a sugary breakfast, it’d be a donut or a croissant or some other fantastic pasty. Not a Pop Tart.

    Cereal on the other hand. Mmm. I could eat at least half a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Lucky Charms or Reese’s Puff Cereal… But they’re all healthy because of the milk. Duh.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Some other fantastic PASTY?! Just what goes down in the mornings around your breakfast table, Carly?!

      Omg, Lucky Charms!! Have you tried the new Hershey’s Cookies & Cream cereal? I’m officially obsessed! And mine is even HEALTHIER because I eat it with Greek yogurt! 😛

  10. I haven’t had a Poptart in years…I have to admit, I have to try one again soon to see if they’re as good as I remember them being as a kid! (although judging from your experience, maybe not…)

  11. I’m SO glad you wrote this. I think you seriously needed to write the grief-filled letter and let go. It’s so hard to do that when you’ve spent so long with some”one” but, once you make the public declaration and get your closure, life looks a little brighter! I’m SO proud of you. And I think that this will really help both of us (me with a few choice other foods). My fixation on things has always gotten the best of me, usually turning into disappointment after just one taste. But the embarrassment and sadness that follows, due to being so excited and focused on this ONE thing for so long is immense. I can’t stand that. And yet, it happens again. I think we’ll get through this together. And a sundae sounds like the perfect solution! 🙂

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      “But the embarrassment and sadness that follows, due to being so excited and focused on this ONE thing for so long is immense.” <- I swear, sometimes I think we're the same person! I love you! xoxo

  12. LOL! I actually don’t love pop-tarts, so there’s that. Have you tried making a healthier version? Mama Pea’s recipe is good!

    I need to break up with wine. It makes me sad. But only until Nov!

  13. I had to break up with the “all natural” Quest Bars. Whatever erithyrtolsdkjsldjsd is– makes me bloat like I’m 10 months prego. not a good look and definitely not comfortable. I’ll stick with my artificial sweeteners, thank you very much. #notsorry

    Poptarts are becoming very overdone on Instagram with IIIFYM, and while some flavors are decent, they’re a little overrated. I’d rather eat some pancakes. Just sayin’.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      “I’d rather eat some pancakes.” <- Heck yeah! That's my girl! And I agree, Poptarts are SO overrated! Sorry to hear about the Quest bars. It's weird, sometimes I get bloat from them and sometimes I don't. I thought it was just the ones with sucralose, but it's happened with both the natural and the regular bars. But I'm totally addicted so it's worth the gamble! Lol

  14. Yay! Now more for me! I am going to be completely honest is saying I use to be so obsessive over processed ingredients and this and that and wouldn’t eat something because of one ingredient (HFCS was my obsession) but honestly anything in moderation is fine. That’s my opinion at least. Life is too short to worry about poptarts, HFCS, enriched this or that. Do I prefer whole real foods? ABSOLUTELY! But I will never not eat something because its processed.

    I don’t eat poptarts because they do nothing for me. They don’t satisfy any hunger but i will say the s’mores poptart will always hold a special spot in my heart.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      You know me girl, I’ve come a long way with my opinion on processed foods and being an overly obsessed label tracker…the ingredient list isn’t the problem here (that just makes it worse…because it’s not even worth it). Like you, they do absolutely NOTHING for my hunger AND they make me totally sick with all that sugar!

  15. Um I love poptarts haha but I definitely consider them dessert..not breakfast! 🙂

  16. Robyn :) says:

    I never liked poptarts. Toaster strudels, however, were da bomb!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh man, I totally forgot about toaster strudels! It used to take me FOREVER to perfect my icing drizzle…the thing would be cold before I was “ready” to eat it! Lol

  17. My favorite flavor is Brown Sugar Cinnamon but the flavor hasn’t matched my expectations in years, so it’s a ‘nothing else looks good in the convenience store while we’re driving from A to Z’ purchase.

    I have other things I need to break up with, things I crave and interact with every day, but not pop tarts.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Kirsten, if I had your amazing muffin-making talents, I would never think of another poptart for the rest of my life…honestly, my freezer would probably be BURSTING with about 398576 different flavors (because yes, I’m sure if I put my mind to it, I COULD think of that many!) 😉

  18. I had poptarts when I was little, but don’t fall victim to them & their long list of crap ingredients anymore. Glad you’re breaking up with them, you’re much better off. 🙂

  19. Haha! There was once a time when I needed to gain a lot of weight, and I relied on Pop Tarts to do it! I had at least one per day! Accordingly, I have a special place in my heart for (double fudge) Pop Tarts 🙂

  20. Lindsay says:

    the only thing that holds me back from eating a gallon of those are the gluten. Never been so happy to have a gluten allergy. I used to eat those as a teenager, i couldn’t stop. Is there crack in there?! You got this!

  21. Emily says:

    HAHA! I’m dying over this post…
    I lived off of Pop-Tarts in high-school. Like, I’m not exaggerating. I had (at least) one package every day- brown sugar being my favorite flavor. Between those and the Top Ramen/frozen meals/chips I was eating, my sodium intake must have been through the roof…
    I did the exact same thing a few months ago. I thought I missed Pop-Tarts until I actually had one. Not impressed AT ALL. If I’m gonna indulge, I’m gonna do it right!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      “If I’m gonna indulge, I’m gonna do it right!” <- My feelings EXACTLY! And ugh, Top Ramen still makes me a little queasy to think about! Lol

  22. I never liked Pop-Tarts, but I loved frosted mini wheats! My mom would never buy them when I was a kid, but my grandma would! I would eat them straight from the box like nobody’s business!

    There aren’t really any foods that I would break-up with at this point. I’d say popcorn, but it’s a fairly decent snack option and I just don’t want to give it up!

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  24. Calee says:

    heather … make your own poptarts! i bet that would be fun. and you could even do fun desserty flavors like s’mores and they’d be better than the real ones (though I still have a soft spot for toasterstrudels).

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I know…I know! I’ve actually tried one that Laura made once…I guess I’m just too lazy to make the dough! Maybe one day I’ll get a wild hair…or try one of those tortilla ones I keep seeing on Instagram?

      Oh hell, I haven’t had a toaster strudel in years!! Have you seen the new commercials…they’re ridiculously stupid!

  25. Hmm none that I’m ready to step out of denial about it being an abusive relationship yet. Every time I eat dumplings they don’t love me but I love them. Why won’t they love me? Do I not appreciate them enough? Do I not confess my love enough?

  26. Amen Sister!! Not only are you kicking that crap to the curb, you’re embracing your granola roots. Maybe you’re a hippy at heart too, with a flair for artistic nails and cat hair covered yoga pants.

  27. I’ve entertained trying the peanut butter version… Looks so good! But they really are never a good choice…hungry again in three hours? More like three minutes for me!

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