The Dating Game

There’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you guys…

This summer, I started dating.

It was hard to let my guard down and get back out there, but as a gal who’s not exactly getting any younger, I felt it was time to just close my eyes and jump right in.

After countless hours on all the internet dating sites, I finally saw a small glimmer of hope when I received an email response from my friends over at Artisana.

I put all my trust in them when they told me they could provide me with a variety of slim single guys packs and a couple of short stocky types to have my way with get to know for free as long as I documented it on the blog.

And so began my summer of nut butter promiscuity.

I was so overwhelmed at first.

I had no idea just how many eligible bachelors to expect and when they all arrived at my doorstep on the same day, well…

things got a little awkward.

I decided the best way to get started was to place them into groups according to their similar characteristics…you know, let them mingle with each other a bit before I made my selections.

I enlisted the bigger guys as part time bouncers for the duration of the summer for crowd control purposes. You have to be careful with this many nuts in the same vicinity of each other.

Of course I let them know there would be some perks to the job…including but not limited to a few morning quickies in my bowl of oats. πŸ˜‰

And well, as you can see, I couldn’t really help myself once Coconut Butter gave me
“the look”

The first round up of men butters where what I considered the “all American” guys. A little bit of representation from all different areas without getting too exotic.

I figured it’d be a good group to start with to get my feet wet.

Here is how the dates went down:

Walnut Butter: On his own, he was a little bland at first, but after a few drinks bananas, he opened up more and really showed me he knew how to handle himself around a lady.

Pecan Butter: This guy was a show stopper from the very beginning. If you know me, you know that pecans have always been my favorite so I was more than a little giggly on our date. We enjoyed a nice evening together and talked about everything from pies to pralines. I gave him my number. πŸ˜‰

Almond Butter: Oh, Almond Butter, how disappointing you were! From the very beginning he lacked any spark…the night was long and boring…and at the end of the date, I was left with regret and a bad taste in my mouth (literally).

Macadamia Butter: Wow, talk about a guy that is FULL of himself. I knew before the date started that he wasnt’ really my type and I had my reservations knowing he came from a rich family, but seriously, if I heard one more story about saving children on the beaches of Hawaii by feeding them coconuts he had cracked open on his chest, I was going to shoot myself. I guess if you have to have that one “bad date” experience, he was most assuredly mine.

After the All-American Rejects (favorite band, btw), I turned my eyes to the crew of exotic boys!

Why hello there!

I was a little nervous at first and admittedly a little intimidated…the three of them were all so cultured…so sophisticatedΒ but I managed to shake the apprehension and had a pretty good run of dates!

Tahini Butter: Proof that sometimes big things come in small packages. Though I was only guaranteed one serving date from Artisana, the two of us managed to sneak in a couple of trips to Hummus Land. Have you ever been?…They have the most amazing ride call the Big Dipper! It’ll knock your pitas pants off!

Cashew Butter: I’ve had my fair share of trysts with cashew butters…remember Broccoli ‘n Cheese SauceΒ and theΒ Creamy Cashew Drizzle for my cake batter french toast? But to be honest, I was a little nervous about my date with CB. Would there be enough chemistry flavor between us or would my experienced palate leave me wanting more? Luckily, his refined qualities (or excuse me UNrefined qualities showed me that you don’t always have to have sugar or spice and everything nice to have flavah!

Cashini Butter: I knew I was risking a bit going out with Cashini. It’s no secret that he tends to get around a bit with the ladies…or how hippies just can’t seem to contain themselves around him, but I went for it anyway. And although I may never see him again, I will never ever forget our night bonding over a roasted veggie wrap. *tear*

The final group of bachelors were so similar and yet so very different.

Coconut Oil: Unlike the rest of the guys, when it came to appearances, Coconut Oil had nothing to hide. No flair, no ego, just pure unadulterated coconut-flavored love. I couldn’t get over how smooth he was…or how he looked with nothing but a chocolate cherry cake donut on. Mmm, mmm, MMM!

Coconut Butter: As I alluded to earlier, I couldn’t help but go weak in the knees every time I caught a glance of Coconut Butter. And on top of that, he has this amazing way of making me feel like a kid in a candy shop…a candy shop full of white chocolate fudge! We had many nights (and mornings…wink, wink) full of giggles and….well, other noises. πŸ˜‰

And then, there was one…

Cacao Bliss: You guys, I swear, it was love at first sight bite. And then I found out that he and Coconut Butter are fraternal twins! No wonder! Everything I adored about my albino love but with a little soul cacao. We took it slow at first…savoring every minute together, until the day he had to leave…his family needed him in South America. But I promised him that when the postage time was right, I knew he would be in my arms again.

Our last night together was “bittersweet” but before he set sail in his boat of oatbran, he pledged his love to me…

Ahhhhh!

Isn’t it exciting?! I’m thinking oatmeal colored bridesmaid dresses with some cinnamon dusted bouquets…and of course, for all traditional purposes, I’ll be wearing a coconut bra under my dress!

Disclaimer: Artisana sent me these samples free of charge. All of the opinions are of my own and I was in no way compensated for this review…because that in fact would make me a hooker…not cool!

I in no way condone real life promiscuity…this is just a lighthearted take on product reviews so please keep any and all abstinence comments to yourself. πŸ˜‰

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44 Responses to The Dating Game

  1. This is hysterical!! I laughed my way through the entirety of it while drooling. Which, let me tell you, isn’t an easy task.
    I haven’t tried any of these nut butters, but after reading this (and needing a date, of course) I might just have to email my way over their way. You had cashini butter on a roasted wrap? Sounds super good. You know me, nut butter and everything. Roasted veg + cashini butter sounds like heaven.
    Love the coconut bra idea. Quite fitting indeed.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I LOVE your comments Hannah! I’m sitting here chuckling and picturing you trying to wipe the drool from your chin while catching your breath in between laughs! Haha!

      Oh yeas (yeas? What is that?…yeeeeeeeeeeeeeas!! ;)) almond butter, cashew butter, sunbutter…they were meant for roasted veggies! Mmm!

  2. I have missed these hilarious posts of yours… you crack me the hell up!!! Cashini has my heart πŸ˜‰

  3. BAHAHAHA this was great! This wins the award for ‘most entertaining blog post’ if there is such thing πŸ™‚

  4. Hahahahahahahaha! Love it πŸ™‚
    Did you actually have the medjool type of dates with them…? πŸ˜‰

  5. katie says:

    This is the BEST review ever!! Haha! They need to post this on their site!!

    I love artisana, they have great butters, and I need to try their cacao bliss!

  6. Can’t. Stop. Laughing. . . and craving men…er butters I mean. I have never had the Artisana brand. I guess it’s about high time I check out the local WF and pick some of these boys up.

  7. lizzie says:

    this has to be my favoritesttt post today!!!!

  8. Too stinking cute. You’re adorable, Heather!

  9. Heidi says:

    I loved this πŸ˜€ The disclaimer especially made me burst out laughing πŸ˜€ I’ve been really missing your posts! For some reason they stopped showing up in my reader so I fixed that real quick. I’ve been wanting to try Artisana too, everything looks pretty amazing but it’s so expensive to try a full container, but it does all look sooo good πŸ˜€

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Yeah, something happened with my blog earlier this week and it wasn’t registering in Google Reader…I got it fixed, but now I think it’s only showing previews instead of full posts…ugh! I seriously hate computers sometimes!

      I agree, Artisana’s not the cheapest, but have you checked out covitality.com? They have some pretty great discounts! πŸ˜€

  10. LOL! You are hilarious!

    This cacao bliss guy that you speak of sounds very alluring… I wonder if I could find a guy like him around here…

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh I’m sure…with the amount of traveling that CB does for his job, he’s bound to have a few buddies over there! πŸ˜‰

  11. Oh.my.goodness, this is fantastic! I think I laughed out loud…
    and now I really need to get some..ha!

  12. Lauren says:

    This is definitely the cutest review….ever! I really want to try more Artisana nut butters-so far all I’ve had have been the coconut butters which are good but all of the other nut combinations sound so good. πŸ™‚ Happy almost weekend!

  13. Gloria says:

    haha Tooo funny. I enjoyed reading that πŸ™‚ I need to get out more and find myself some cacao bliss!

  14. Kris says:

    this is the most awesome thing I’ve seen in a while – well done!

  15. Lauren says:

    Bahaha, most creatvie review ever. I’m impressed!

  16. Lou says:

    i’m really really jealous. you get all the guys.

  17. This is how all reviews should be done from now on.
    That made me smile so much =)

  18. Lee says:

    I would like to go on dates with these products too.

  19. PB&Jenny says:

    i wish I could hate you out of spite and envy, but you’re just far too fabulous. Can we go on a double date? πŸ˜‰ I’ve got dibs on cacao bliss!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Well lucky for you, he just so happens to have another brother…so a double date would be great! But no oogling MY man! πŸ˜‰

  20. This is theee besttt post I have read today. Haha so clever!!!

  21. Eric says:

    Good start to my morning..coworkers were asking what was so funny! Thanks for that

  22. Hilarious! What a clever idea for a post. I’m jealous of all those nut butters you got to try!

  23. A great way to start off my friday morning…thank you for the humorous (and informative) post. TGIF!

  24. This is an awesome post!! πŸ˜€

  25. Loved it!!!! Artisana sent me a similar box, I still haven’t tried all of them yet!!

  26. Maggie says:

    OMG this was the most creative and funny blog we’ve seen yet!! I was laughing hysterically the whole way through. Very cute!!

    Just wanted to thank you for the creativity you put into such a wonderful review of Artisana Organic nut butters. I just posted your blog link on our Facebook page for our fans to enjoy.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you Maggie! I’m so glad you liked it! And a big thank you to Artisana for the opportunity to date review the boys products! πŸ˜‰

  27. This is even more reason why I love you! Great review!

  28. It was love it for sight upon first glance back in fall of ’10 :). I don’t know, Heather, we may have to share this romance…. or not. The competition is up! πŸ™‚

    Coconut butter is CRACK!

  29. Oh my goodness, this is the cutest post ever! Glad you enjoyed spending time with all of your nut butters…I mean men! πŸ˜‰

  30. bahahaha you hussy! =) This was hilarious!

  31. elise says:

    you are so funny. i wish the more exotic artisana butters werent so dang hard to find (or expensive), but yeah, they make some seriously amazing ones.

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  33. Rachel says:

    I just found your blog and I love it and all of your recipes. I feel like a kid in a candy shop looking at all of your oat creations (an obsession of mine)…and I absolutely loved this post. So creative and really hilarious. Thank you!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Aww, thank YOU for leaving such a sweet comment, Rachel! I love creating healthy recipes and I love making people laugh…so glad I found a place that allows me to do both!

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