There’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you guys…
This summer, I started dating.
It was hard to let my guard down and get back out there, but as a gal who’s not exactly getting any younger, I felt it was time to just close my eyes and jump right in.
After countless hours on all the internet dating sites, I finally saw a small glimmer of hope when I received an email response from my friends over at Artisana.
I put all my trust in them when they told me they could provide me with a variety of slim single
guys packs and a couple of short stocky types to have my way with get to know for free as long as I documented it on the blog.
And so began my summer of nut butter promiscuity.
I had no idea just how many eligible bachelors to expect and when they all arrived at my doorstep on the same day, well…
things got a little awkward.
I decided the best way to get started was to place them into groups according to their similar characteristics…you know, let them mingle with each other a bit before I made my selections.
I enlisted the bigger guys as part time bouncers for the duration of the summer for crowd control purposes. You have to be careful with this many nuts in the same vicinity of each other.
Of course I let them know there would be some perks to the job…including but not limited to a few morning quickies in my bowl of oats. 😉
And well, as you can see, I couldn’t really help myself once Coconut Butter gave me
The first round up of
men butters where what I considered the “all American” guys. A little bit of representation from all different areas without getting too exotic.
I figured it’d be a good group to start with to get my feet wet.
Here is how the dates went down:
Walnut Butter: On his own, he was a little bland at first, but after a few
drinks bananas, he opened up more and really showed me he knew how to handle himself around a lady.
Pecan Butter: This guy was a show stopper from the very beginning. If you know me, you know that pecans have always been my favorite so I was more than a little giggly on our date. We enjoyed a nice evening together and talked about everything from pies to pralines. I gave him my number. 😉
Almond Butter: Oh, Almond Butter, how disappointing you were! From the very beginning he lacked any spark…the night was long and boring…and at the end of the date, I was left with regret and a bad taste in my mouth (literally).
Macadamia Butter: Wow, talk about a guy that is FULL of himself. I knew before the date started that he wasnt’ really my type and I had my reservations knowing he came from a rich family, but seriously, if I heard one more story about saving children on the beaches of Hawaii by feeding them coconuts he had cracked open on his chest, I was going to shoot myself. I guess if you have to have that one “bad date” experience, he was most assuredly mine.
After the All-American Rejects (favorite band, btw), I turned my eyes to the crew of exotic boys!
I was a little nervous at first and admittedly a little intimidated…the three of them were all so cultured…so sophisticated but I managed to shake the apprehension and had a pretty good run of dates!
Tahini Butter: Proof that sometimes big things come in small packages. Though I was only guaranteed one
serving date from Artisana, the two of us managed to sneak in a couple of trips to Hummus Land. Have you ever been?…They have the most amazing ride call the Big Dipper! It’ll knock your pitas pants off!
Cashew Butter: I’ve had my fair share of trysts with cashew butters…remember Broccoli ‘n Cheese Sauce and the Creamy Cashew Drizzle for my cake batter french toast? But to be honest, I was a little nervous about my date with CB. Would there be enough
chemistry flavor between us or would my experienced palate leave me wanting more? Luckily, his refined qualities (or excuse me UNrefined qualities showed me that you don’t always have to have sugar or spice and everything nice to have flavah!
Cashini Butter: I knew I was risking a bit going out with Cashini. It’s no secret that he tends to get around a bit with the ladies…or how hippies just can’t seem to contain themselves around him, but I went for it anyway. And although I may never see him again, I will never ever forget our night bonding over a roasted veggie wrap. *tear*
The final group of bachelors were so similar and yet so very different.
Coconut Oil: Unlike the rest of the guys, when it came to appearances, Coconut Oil had nothing to hide. No flair, no ego, just pure unadulterated coconut-flavored love. I couldn’t get over how smooth he was…or how he looked with nothing but a chocolate cherry cake donut on. Mmm, mmm, MMM!
Coconut Butter: As I alluded to earlier, I couldn’t help but go weak in the knees every time I caught a glance of Coconut Butter. And on top of that, he has this amazing way of making me feel like a kid in a candy shop…a candy shop full of white chocolate fudge! We had many nights (and mornings…wink, wink) full of giggles and….well, other noises. 😉
And then, there was one…
Cacao Bliss: You guys, I swear, it was love at first
sight bite. And then I found out that he and Coconut Butter are fraternal twins! No wonder! Everything I adored about my albino love but with a little soul cacao. We took it slow at first…savoring every minute together, until the day he had to leave…his family needed him in South America. But I promised him that when the postage time was right, I knew he would be in my arms again.
Our last night together was “bittersweet” but before he set sail in his boat of oatbran, he pledged his love to me…
Isn’t it exciting?! I’m thinking oatmeal colored bridesmaid dresses with some cinnamon dusted bouquets…and of course, for all traditional purposes, I’ll be wearing a coconut bra under my dress!
Disclaimer: Artisana sent me these samples free of charge. All of the opinions are of my own and I was in no way compensated for this review…because that in fact would make me a hooker…not cool!
I in no way condone real life promiscuity…this is just a lighthearted take on product reviews so please keep any and all abstinence comments to yourself. 😉