Thoughts on Balance

Happy Thursday everyone!

It’s been a while since you’ve seen a “Thoughts” post here on KMB, huh? Honestly, I’ve been wanting to do this since the day I got back from Blend…there’s just the little trick of getting the words to come out right. As much as I love to talk about anything and everything, these more personal posts are a bit hard for me. But nothing in life worth doing (or saying, in my opinion) comes easy. So, in contrast to the few words I put up Tuesday, now I have some talking to do and as always, stream of consciousness style is just the way to go…so I don’t sit here for hours staring at a blinking cursor.

Thoughts on Balance - ScaleOver the last couple of years, I have been through many ups and downs as I started recovering from a very disordered way of life. I knew this change wouldn’t come overnight, but like I’ve said before, I’m not a patient person and for a while there, I started to think I was well…broken. Now, as I look back to where I came clean about calorie counting and what it had done to my life, I feel like I’m seeing a whole other person.

Me & Jason at the Circle Track

There was no specific turning point. No “ah ha” moment where I felt like the stars aligned and all of a sudden I could be “normal” again. Actually, what I remember most is fighting the extremes to get to where I am today. When Jason and I started dating, I struggled with the transition from only eating my “safe food” to flying by the seat of my pants and having no regard to what was coming next in terms of meals. That didn’t go over so well. I decided somewhere along the way that I was going to eat whatever he did so I wouldn’t seem so “difficult” and so the fast food, chips, and candy binges began.

But that wasn’t the letting go in the way that I needed. It was rebellion. I started to gain weight…more so, I started to “feel” the weight gain and my clothes stopped fitting. Match that up with the fact that I was struggling to get eight hours of sleep each night and you can maybe see the inner turmoil I was going through. In a way though, I needed this. I needed to see how the opposite extreme to dieting would affect both my mind AND my body.

After the first of this year, Jason and I realized we’d gained about 10-15 pounds each since the start of our relationship. We started making plans to walk at the park whenever it was nice outside and then, as it came time for Blend, I started to do more. At first, there was a little voice in the back of my head saying: “oh my god, all these girls are gonna be so fit and there I’m gonna be, the fat slug huffing and puffing in the background”. But I fought that voice. I decided that if I was going to get back in shape, it needed to be for ME and it needed to be FUN!

Gym

So I tricked that voice. I started walking at the gym. Just walking. No pressure. Then, when I got bored with that, I moved over to the elliptical. As the days went on and I was able to power through thirty minutes at increasing resistances, I started to feel a sense of empowerment. There is catharsis in a good sweat session. I believe it. I also believe that since turning thirty, I’m more able to recognize that self-sabotaging voice and nip it in the bud.

Before I knew it, I was craving the gym…or some kind of movement daily. Even if it was just a walk around the neighborhood, with the fresh air and the tiny muscle twitches in my legs afterward, the endorphins were there, but at the same time, if there was a day where exercise didn’t fit in the cards, no big deal. At the same time my eating just seemed to fall into place. I made a conscious effort to reach for more whole foods instead of my usual bars, pretzels, and crackers and it wasn’t long before I was feeling good again…while still being able to enjoy some indulgent foods as well. Because let’s face it, a life without pizza is not one I want to live. And then, just like that, my favorite shorts from last summer fit again! No, for real. Here, I’ll take a pic! 😉

Favorite Shorty Shorts

Long story short, that was my mental journey before Blend. So during Blend…
I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE! Someone cue the lights, bring Patrick Swayze back from the gave, hand me a pink dress, and just let me SHOW you! And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, we clearly can’t be friends.

But seriously, it’s hard to describe it…the feelings I felt during one of the most amazing weekends of my life. I was surrounded by some of my closest friends in a beautiful setting and I just soaked up every minute of it. Heck, I even had to steal pics from people just so I’d have enough to do my recap post! Nothing got in my way…no voices, no limitations, nothing. And where I used to have a hard time transitioning from “vacation life” to “real life”, none of that has even come up. If anything, since getting back home, I’ve felt MORE motivated to move and laugh and finally just…live!

The balance I never thought I’d have is now mine. Things are falling into place and I’m on cloud nine. Oh yes, I’m proud of myself for just making that rhyme, but I really should go because I’m running out of time. 😉

No questions today, just YOUR thoughts!

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23 Responses to Thoughts on Balance

  1. I am just so incredibly proud of you Heather.
    And seriously, I NEVER EVER had one single doubt that you will get where you are today. After 20 years of struggling, I KNOW all that shit and how hard it is to get out of it. And here we are – in a place where we never thought we could be. Cause for me it is the same. It’s probably about more than a year that I dominate all that shit and live life the way I want it. But I promise you – it only gets better from here. Once you know how it works, you keep improving. I was on this 5 weeks vacation trip – I didn’t measure ONE meal, I didn’t gain or lose any weight, I was just enjoying every single day with healthy food, not so healthy food (hello, one full bag of white cheddar puffs in our cabin, lol)with a lot of CrossFit, cause that is one of the biggest part of my life.
    High Five Babe, High Five.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      High freaking five right back atcha, love! This comment made me SO happy! So happy for us both and I can’t wait to see what more excitement the future holds for us!

  2. Jen says:

    What a great post! Congrats and you are so inspirational :-) I am getting closer and closer to that beautiful balance myself and wow it just makes life that much more fun!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      AMEN!! It’s definitely a day-to-day process and even once you get there, sometimes…that little voice still tries to make itself heard. Just gotta take it all in stride.

  3. Amazing! As someone who has been there, I know the struggle is real, and although I, too, can be “free” for the most part, I think it is a demon (I hate to use that word) that will always linger a little bit. I exercise now because I feel emotionally, mentally, physically better, and I want to move every day. For the most part, I am able to because of my schedule…but sometimes it doesn’t work out, and I am now OK with that. Do I still avoid fast food? Yes. However I do believe that’s more because of how it makes me feel than calories…because I still eat chocolate and nut butter and avocado and drink wine….and I am able to go on a trip and not overthink what I’ll eat when I get there.

    I could ramble on, but I won’t. High five, lady!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      “I think it is a demon that will always linger a little bit.” <- Omg, YES! Just when you think the voice has been squashed, it peeps up out of nowhere. I feel the same about exercise too. Actually, I just got to run to the gym for the first time in a few days and wow, didn't realize how much I needed that release. The fast food, the processed food...it always weighs so heavy on me. And I swear, the more you eat, the more you crave...and the more you end up feeling like a slug. Ha. Yeah, obviously I could ramble on and on as well. But anywho, SO happy for you love. Miss you bunches! xoxo

  4. This post made me SO HAPPY!!!!! I feel like I’ve been on both sides of that balancing act (being too strict and throwing caution to the wind) and once Alex and I started dating, things sort of just leveled out. We keep each other active but we also cut loose now and then. I’m SO much happier than living at one of the other extremes!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I hear ya girlie! But in a way, I think it takes living through both extremes to truly appreciate the balance in between. Also I just have to say that I “awwed” at that mention of Alex helping you level out. Ahhh, I’m so happy you’re happy! :)

  5. Brittany says:

    Love this post!!! It truly is all about balance. Happy that you have found that!

  6. I’m so glad you guys had fun! I’m reading all the recaps on the plane. So nice to unplug a bit and have fun. Cheers!

  7. Finding balance is HARD. And sometimes even when you think you have it down pat for a moment, you lose it again. But it sounds like you’ve found your balance and kept it going. Which is so awesome! I’m happy for you girl!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Aww, thanks girlie! Yes, I’ve had many a time of feeling like “I had my shit together” only to turn into a hot mess again a few weeks later. I guess that was just practice for the future. Haha!

  8. So much love for you, lady. I went through exactly the same thing with switching from eating all healthy foods to eating ALL the junk food, and my body kind of freaking out as a result. But it was exactly what my mind needed to recover from that restrictive mindset, and after doing a little pendulum swinging from one side to the other, I think I’ve finally found a happy medium. I realized that I genuinely do enjoy eating healthy because of how it makes me feel, but I also need treats on the regular because of how good it makes me feel 😛 I love hearing that you’ve found your happy place as well <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thanks for the love, doll! You couldn’t have summed it up more perfectly. And the key is how it makes “you” feel…every BODY is different. I wish more people could see that.

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  10. I am so happy for you and so incredibly proud of you. That is all.

  11. LOVE LOVE LOVE! So glad you are in such a better place. I’m on my way, slowly but surely and you as always remain an inspiration and help along the way. :)

  12. Sara Gelder says:

    I hope one day I am able to get to this place. My entire adult life has been a yo yo of lean race weight and chubby sweaty nothing fits in the winter weight. From being so OMG strict to “allowing” myself to eat until im physically sick because i “deserve it”. I’m hoping that now the stress of the past few months is gone, I’ll be able to find a balance that works for me. Something that I can stick with and clothes that will fit me year round instead of a “fat pile” and “skinny pile” and all sizes in between. Thank you for being so open and honest about your journey. I know I dont comment on your blog or insta often but it you should know that what you have said in this post really hit home for me.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you, Sara. I’m just glad to be able to help others who have been or are going through a similar situation. It can be really tough. A lot of ups and downs. A lot of “oh yeah, I’ve got my shit together” and a lot of crying in the middle of the floor…you know, if you’re a crier. Me? I’m definitely a sensitive sistah. The best advice I can give is to try to set your focus on something other than the food or your body. I know that can be hard, but when you start concentrating on other things (like exercising in a way that feels fun and exciting, or trying new recipes that get you experimenting in the kitchen), the other things really do just seem to fall into place. :)

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