Happy Thursday everyone!
It’s been a while since you’ve seen a “Thoughts” post here on KMB, huh? Honestly, I’ve been wanting to do this since the day I got back from Blend…there’s just the little trick of getting the words to come out right. As much as I love to talk about anything and everything, these more personal posts are a bit hard for me. But nothing in life worth doing (or saying, in my opinion) comes easy. So, in contrast to the few words I put up Tuesday, now I have some talking to do and as always, stream of consciousness style is just the way to go…so I don’t sit here for hours staring at a blinking cursor.
Over the last couple of years, I have been through many ups and downs as I started recovering from a very disordered way of life. I knew this change wouldn’t come overnight, but like I’ve said before, I’m not a patient person and for a while there, I started to think I was well…broken. Now, as I look back to where I came clean about calorie counting and what it had done to my life, I feel like I’m seeing a whole other person.
There was no specific turning point. No “ah ha” moment where I felt like the stars aligned and all of a sudden I could be “normal” again. Actually, what I remember most is fighting the extremes to get to where I am today. When Jason and I started dating, I struggled with the transition from only eating my “safe food” to flying by the seat of my pants and having no regard to what was coming next in terms of meals. That didn’t go over so well. I decided somewhere along the way that I was going to eat whatever he did so I wouldn’t seem so “difficult” and so the fast food, chips, and candy binges began.
But that wasn’t the letting go in the way that I needed. It was rebellion. I started to gain weight…more so, I started to “feel” the weight gain and my clothes stopped fitting. Match that up with the fact that I was struggling to get eight hours of sleep each night and you can maybe see the inner turmoil I was going through. In a way though, I needed this. I needed to see how the opposite extreme to dieting would affect both my mind AND my body.
After the first of this year, Jason and I realized we’d gained about 10-15 pounds each since the start of our relationship. We started making plans to walk at the park whenever it was nice outside and then, as it came time for Blend, I started to do more. At first, there was a little voice in the back of my head saying: “oh my god, all these girls are gonna be so fit and there I’m gonna be, the fat slug huffing and puffing in the background”. But I fought that voice. I decided that if I was going to get back in shape, it needed to be for ME and it needed to be FUN!
So I tricked that voice. I started walking at the gym. Just walking. No pressure. Then, when I got bored with that, I moved over to the elliptical. As the days went on and I was able to power through thirty minutes at increasing resistances, I started to feel a sense of empowerment. There is catharsis in a good sweat session. I believe it. I also believe that since turning thirty, I’m more able to recognize that self-sabotaging voice and nip it in the bud.
Before I knew it, I was craving the gym…or some kind of movement daily. Even if it was just a walk around the neighborhood, with the fresh air and the tiny muscle twitches in my legs afterward, the endorphins were there, but at the same time, if there was a day where exercise didn’t fit in the cards, no big deal. At the same time my eating just seemed to fall into place. I made a conscious effort to reach for more whole foods instead of my usual bars, pretzels, and crackers and it wasn’t long before I was feeling good again…while still being able to enjoy some indulgent foods as well. Because let’s face it, a life without pizza is not one I want to live. And then, just like that, my favorite shorts from last summer fit again! No, for real. Here, I’ll take a pic! 😉
Long story short, that was my mental journey before Blend. So during Blend…
I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE! Someone cue the lights, bring Patrick Swayze back from the gave, hand me a pink dress, and just let me SHOW you! And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, we clearly can’t be friends.
But seriously, it’s hard to describe it…the feelings I felt during one of the most amazing weekends of my life. I was surrounded by some of my closest friends in a beautiful setting and I just soaked up every minute of it. Heck, I even had to steal pics from people just so I’d have enough to do my recap post! Nothing got in my way…no voices, no limitations, nothing. And where I used to have a hard time transitioning from “vacation life” to “real life”, none of that has even come up. If anything, since getting back home, I’ve felt MORE motivated to move and laugh and finally just…live!
The balance I never thought I’d have is now mine. Things are falling into place and I’m on cloud nine. Oh yes, I’m proud of myself for just making that rhyme, but I really should go because I’m running out of time. 😉
No questions today, just YOUR thoughts!