Sometimes, we just need to hear something…
Over and OVER again until it sticks.
I had planned on doing a lighthearted post today, dedicated to my love of near-empty nut butter jars, but unfortunately, the thought of nut butter right now makes me feel ill. While typing about wedgies and waffles did help me feel a bit better, I’ll be honest, yesterday wasn’t the only bad day I’ve had this week.
Remember how I’ve mentioned that I have a hard time readjusting after a vacation? My routine gets off and I almost always end up bingeing. Well, I used to think that was because there was some underlying guilt from the food choices I’d made. While I do feel a little guilt involving a POST-vacation trip to Buffalo Wild Wings on Saturday, I don’t feel ANY remorse for the choices I made while hanging with Meghan last week. So then I thought maybe it was because I didn’t have fresh, healthy food on hand…but then it happened…Monday morning…Tuesday afternoon…AND last night!
All while my kitchen was stocked FULL with this:
Then, while making jokes about my insomnia yesterday, it dawned on me…it’s not about vacation. It’s about getting out of my routine and then forcing myself to get back to my “normal”
zombie night shift sleep schedule. I feel helpless and pissed off. I want to cry. I want to scream.
But most of all, I want to SLEEP!
If only one spoonful of peanut butter could have the power to put me to knock me out in a matter of minutes. Because I’m so sleep-deprived, my body gets completely out of whack. I get these intense cravings out of nowhere. The other day, I woke up to pee and felt like I could chew my arm off…but now that I see what I grabbed from the kitchen, I don’t think I was really hungry at all. It starts out innocently…an apple and a small piece of chocolate, or maybe some Greek yogurt for some protein, but then, peanut butter sounds good. I get out some carrots (because that’s healthy!), but it’s too late, by the second or third dip, I lose it. I eat a quarter of the jar. Then I need something sweet to cancel out the salty so I have a spoonful of jam…next thing I know I’m crying into a bag of yogurt-coated pretzels.
Part of me wants to say I jinxed myself by just recently announcing my month of being binge-free, but I know I shouldn’t think that way. Which is why I’ve gone back to the basics…I’m going over my highlighted sections in the Intuitive Eating book (I swear I haven’t forgotten about that review I promised), I’m rereading some of my old posts, and I’m trying really hard to bring back the “I love you” homework Jamie gave me a few months back.
So why am I sharing all of this with you guys?
Not because I want your pity. Not because I want you to tell me to quit my job and get a normal sleep schedule…believe me, the stress of the day shift was MORE than enough to push me over the edge. No, I’m bearing all today because I want to reach out to those of you out there who may have slipped into the comparison trap.
You see, when I hear others say they’ve healed their relationship with food, I automatically assume they never have problems anymore…like everything is picture freaking perfect and I’m the only loser out there who can’t seem to get a grip. Well, that’s not the case. I’m not a loser and neither are you. We are human. We have our faults, our vulnerabilities, and when we get scared, worried, or upset, it’s normal to revert back to old habits.
I KNOW I will overcome this…just like last month when I came back with a fruity vengeance. I only wish I could remember what I did to get to that point because right now kinda sucks. So for the time being, I’m just gonna keep hitting repeat until I’ve annoyed the hell out of myself. And today?…today, I plan on getting a massage, coming home, having some wine and conking out by 8pm!
Do you struggle to get back to healthy eating after vacation?
Can you believe I got all that produce for $20?!
Now let’s hope it doesn’t all go bad before I snap out of this!