Thoughts on Repeat

Sometimes, we just need to hear something…

Keep Calm & Hit Repeat

Over and OVER again until it sticks.

I had planned on doing a lighthearted post today, dedicated to my love of near-empty nut butter jars, but unfortunately, the thought of nut butter right now makes me feel ill. While typing about wedgies and waffles did help me feel a bit better, I’ll be honest, yesterday wasn’t the only bad day I’ve had this week.

Remember how I’ve mentioned that I have a hard time readjusting after a vacation? My routine gets off and I almost always end up bingeing. Well, I used to think that was because there was some underlying guilt from the food choices I’d made. While I do feel a little guilt involving a POST-vacation trip to Buffalo Wild Wings on Saturday, I don’t feel ANY remorse for the choices I made while hanging with Meghan last week. So then I thought maybe it was because I didn’t have fresh, healthy food on hand…but then it happened…Monday morning…Tuesday afternoon…AND last night!

All while my kitchen was stocked FULL with this:

K&S International Market Fruits & Veggies

Then, while making jokes about my insomnia yesterday, it dawned on me…it’s not about vacation. It’s about getting out of my routine and then forcing myself to get back to my “normal” zombie night shift sleep schedule. I feel helpless and pissed off. I want to cry. I want to scream.

But most of all, I want to SLEEP!

If only one spoonful of peanut butter could have the power to put me to knock me out in a matter of minutes. Because I’m so sleep-deprived, my body gets completely out of whack. I get these intense cravings out of nowhere. The other day, I woke up to pee and felt like I could chew my arm off…but now that I see what I grabbed from the kitchen, I don’t think I was really hungry at all. It starts out innocently…an apple and a small piece of chocolate, or maybe some Greek yogurt for some protein, but then, peanut butter sounds good. I get out some carrots (because that’s healthy!), but it’s too late, by the second or third dip, I lose it. I eat a quarter of the jar. Then I need something sweet to cancel out the salty so I have a spoonful of jam…next thing I know I’m crying into a bag of yogurt-coated pretzels.

Part of me wants to say I jinxed myself by just recently announcing my month of being binge-free, but I know I shouldn’t think that way. Which is why I’ve gone back to the basics…I’m going over my highlighted sections in the Intuitive Eating book (I swear I haven’t forgotten about that review I promised), I’m rereading some of my old posts, and I’m trying really hard to bring back the “I love you” homework Jamie gave me a few months back.

So why am I sharing all of this with you guys?

Not because I want your pity. Not because I want you to tell me to quit my job and get a normal sleep schedule…believe me, the stress of the day shift was MORE than enough to push me over the edge. No, I’m bearing all today because I want to reach out to those of you out there who may have slipped into the comparison trap.

Apples & Oranges Comparison

[Original Source]

You see, when I hear others say they’ve healed their relationship with food, I automatically assume they never have problems anymore…like everything is picture freaking perfect and I’m the only loser out there who can’t seem to get a grip. Well, that’s not the case. I’m not a loser and neither are you. We are human. We have our faults, our vulnerabilities, and when we get scared, worried, or upset, it’s normal to revert back to old habits.

I KNOW I will overcome this…just like last month when I came back with a fruity vengeance. I only wish I could remember what I did to get to that point because right now kinda sucks. So for the time being, I’m just gonna keep hitting repeat until I’ve annoyed the hell out of myself. And today?…today, I plan on getting a massage, coming home, having some wine and conking out by 8pm!

Do you struggle to get back to healthy eating after vacation?

Can you believe I got all that produce for $20?!
Now let’s hope it doesn’t all go bad before I snap out of this!

 

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52 Responses to Thoughts on Repeat

  1. This is what I love about your blog – you are always so honest! I think that’s awesome because as you said, it shows that you are only human. And I’m sure others reading who have the same problems with intuitive eating and binging will feel such a big sense of relief from this post because they’ll be able to relate.

    I’m so glad you’re not beating yourself up here because just because things are a bit out of whack, it doesn’t mean that you still haven’t made HUGE progress. You’re still continually moving forward, which is the important thing. You’re awesome Heather!!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you, Chelsea! I was just talking to Meghan about the same thing…I’ve come too far to feel like I’m back at square one with this. I’m learning from the past and I can feel myself getting closer to “normal” each and every day, but it can be hard sometimes to see the big picture and the progress made which is why I wanted to reach out to anyone else who may be struggling. And to uplift them in any way that I can. It means a lot to me to know I have your support…thank you so much for the encouraging words! <3

  2. I am so happy you wrote this post. You are so right that even mended relationships with food are never picture perfect. I can totally relate to your craving, bite your arm off scenario the other day. I am working on becoming a more intuitive eater because I find myself too often (at night) raiding my pantry/food. It’s “healthy” stuff too but I still hate how it makes me feel!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh girl, I know exactly how you feel. I rarely keep “play” food in the house just because I don’t feel that I have legitimate cravings for it often enough, so most of my binges end up being things that are seemingly healthy enough (granola, nuts, nut butter)…until eaten in mass quantities! I just have to remind myself that one binge (or three in my case) is not going to automatically put me back at square one. The journey to being an intuitive eater is not a linear path…there will be ups and downs, but as long as you learn from your experiences, then you know you are traveling in the right direction! :)

  3. You may not be able to see it, but I’ll be the first to say that this Heather is definitely different from the Heather of even a few months back — and I’m sure that others would agree! You’ve come SO far, love, and while I know it’s tempting to beat ourselves up over struggles and slip ups, they’re a normal and expected part of the journey. Recovery takes time… time and patience and FORGIVENESS. When I first heard that recovering from an ED could take up to 5 years, I thought to myself “pfffffft… yeah right… it’ll be a cake walk when I finally decide to commit to it.” — I couldn’t have been more wrong.

    You’re doing great. You really are <3 <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you Amanda! I guess it all goes back to patience (or my lack thereof), but I can honestly say that I can see myself handling my struggles much better than I have in the past. I think I just started to feel so normal that I forgot that my relationship with food is not fully healed just yet. Still a work in progress, but thanks to all my amazing friends, I know that I can get through this! Thank you so much for being here and supporting me, lady! Love you!

  4. You’re amazing.

    I think you should stop counting days since your last binge — that’s giving the binge way too much power. I still have shitty days, and I don’t eat intuitively all the time, but I don’t really give a flying f*ck anymore (<< look, I even censored myself! Go me!).

    Your success isn't measured by the number of binges, or the amount of times you overeat. It's measured by how you react to those situations. And personally, I think you're doing amazingly.

    Love you girl <3.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Seriously?! Are you TRYING to make me cry over here?! You are SO right…I’m no longer going to focus on the number of binges or binge-free days…I guess I did let myself get a little hung up on the fact that I had felt “perfect” for over a month. Honestly, it was a struggle to type this post in the beginning because at first, I was afraid of admitting to my faults. But then, after stopping to think about it, I figured there were others out there feeling just like me so I just decided to go with it…and believe it or not, it was one of my fastest times yet on getting a post written! Ha! Thank you, Carly! You are pretty amazing yourself…and DAILY inspiration for me! Love you back! :)

  5. Lucie says:

    Heather my Dearest, thank you so so much for being so honest. You are so brave and I know that so many out there can relate!!
    I tell you something: I had the HARDEST times staying consistent when I came back from a vacation. I couldn’t even unpack my suitcase, I was already emptying the fridge or I even bought stuff to binge on on my way home. It took me a long time to figure out what it was and why I couldn’t feel this happy peace to be home sweet home, like others did. Now there were a few points I figured out with my therapist: Loneliness. After being surrounded by at least one person while on vacation, I suddenly sat there back in the real world on my own. Instead of enjoying the peace in my home I couldn’t handle it and had no idea what to do with myself, so – I binged. Then there was the pressure of going back to work. After days of freedom, laziness and no duties to think of, I struggled witht the thought that this is over now and I need to be responsible for my life again. This pressure stressed me out – I binged. Then I can totally understand the sleep deprivation – this is something that always got me. I think it is so GREAT that you booked a massage girl and I wish that you get your precious sleep! Besides that, please try not to beat yourself up. Look back how far you’ve come. It’s REALLY far!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh my God, YES!! That is EXACTLY how I’ve felt! I had a hard time with my sleep just before leaving for Cleveland last week, but I guess the fact that I was with the man-friend helped me to not feel quite as lonely…there’s nothing worse than being up at 3am, not being able to sleep, and not having anyone to talk/vent to. And sometimes, I think I tend to feel the pressure and stress out more once I realize that I can’t fall right to sleep…like I start the countdown to the number of hours I have before I have to get up/be at work. Oh Lucie, thank you so much for this insight! I am so glad that I shared this today because now I have just a few more pieces to the puzzle and it finally feels like it’s all coming together now! Love you SO much! xoxo

  6. I know how hard it is to be completely transparent with this sort of thing, so thank you for your honesty here love! I know dealing with setbacks in the process of healing a relationship with food can be so frustrating, but you’ve made such progress since you started working on this! I think that for most people, healing from food issues operate on a ‘two steps forward, one step back’ sort of thing. You have made amazing progress, you’re having a bit of a setback, but the difference here is that you know what’s happening and you’re making the necessary changes to move forward – which will put you two steps ahead of where you are now, and a step ahead of where you were before the setback. You’re doing fantastic in your progress with this, and I know you’ll continue to do so.
    Rooting for you lady! <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Sam! I know how much you understand what I’m going through! And you are so right…the fact that I’m able to take a step back and see where all this is coming from only serves as proof of the progress I’ve made over the last several months. Thank you so much for you support and encouragement! xoxo

  7. Chrystal says:

    I am going to have to check out this book. My battle with the binge is almost an everyday thing. I stumbled on your blog a few weeks ago when you wrote that heartfelt post about your struggles. I’ve been hooked (and bookmarking recipes) since. I appreciate a blogger who can be so honest, so thank you for that.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you Chrystal! The book is a definite must read! I took my time and read it slowly over about two months so everything could soak in real well and have gone back at least a half dozen times to reread sections, make notes, and reflect. I really need to just get all my jumbled post-its in order and piece together a review! Also, have you ever looked into doing Jamie’s 21 day IE Challenge? The book is amazing, but I got a LOT of guidance/encouragement from working with the ladies in that group…it really help drive home some of the concepts I’d been reading on my own.

  8. Lady, you are already in *such* a better place than you were months ago – and I don’t think I’m alone in thinking this. I plan write about this more, but from my yoga I’ve learned to accept that there is movement in balance. Balance does NOT mean being perfect all the time. Things ebb and flow, we have ups and downs – and that’s what makes life interesting. It’s hard as hell to learn to just move with it, but just knowing that “this too shall pass” makes it that much easier to push through.

    You got this, I know it.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you Rachel! Thank you so much! I’ll be honest, for a little while I was starting to get down on myself because I felt like I was “back at square one” but after a uplifting talk with a dear friend of mine, I was able to step back and see how far I’ve come in all of this. You are SO right about the balance thing…the ebb and flow…the hard times just make you appreciate the good times even more! :)

  9. Heather why do I feel like we write our posts to each other? Yesterday I wrote a post about how I’ve been able to really listen to my body’s cues and eat intuitively and today I cannot stop reaching into my snack drawer. I want you to know that reading your post has made me think twice about why I am bingeing. It is VERY clear it has everything to do with the fact that I haven’t slept well in about a month. So i got some benzos from the doc to try to help me sleep (I tend to let my anxiety get the best of me which keeps me up) and as per his recommendation I only took half. Then as I was rolling around wide-awake at 2:30 AM I said fuck it! and swallowed the other half. BIG MISTAKE. Apparently you’re supposed to take them 12 hours before you would like to wake up which means technically I should still be sleeping for another hour. So all day I’ve been in a fog, eating my face off when the real issue here is that I am not sleeping. Well the real issue is why I’m not sleeping. I’m better off trying to sort those things out than finishing off another mega bag of skinny pop popcorn and costco energy blend trail mix. I’m starting to think that maybe you’re becoming my therapist…end rant for the day. Time to get back to work and try my best not to eat to compensate for my lack of sleep. Just know I’m here for you if you ever wanna talk and you are sooooo not alone in this!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh honey! I will be your therapist ANY TIME!!! I can honestly feel the anxiety in your words right now…I’ve been there, I know exactly how it feels to be in that fog where you feel absolutely out of yourself. It’s like you can’t even control your hand from going in that popcorn bag and it’s not until you feel the fullness in your belly that you start to come back to Earth, right? I also know how frustrating it can be not to be able to just turn off your brain and SLEEP! I’ve been known to take Benedryl before and still be awake SIX HOURS later! Throughout my rough week, there was one day where things were starting to look up a bit and it was when I was drinking a shit-ton of water! It’s amazing how a little high quality H2O (shameless Water Boy reference) can help to cleanse and flush the body. Just make sure to stop drinking a few hours before you go to bed so you don’t end up getting up 23957 times while you’re trying to sleep like I did! And hey, feel free to hit me up next time your walking the floor after midnight…chances are this zombie will be awake too! 😉

  10. Sending you virtual hugs. You got this.

  11. wow all that for 20!? right on my love, right on 😉

    ok, so you sound like my twin. i eat the same way when i’m tired, too. and the whole evening it all out with sweet after all the salty… yup i do that too. i did the similar thing today, actually, and honestly babe i KNOW damn right it is because i need some sleep. i get so effing hungry when my sleep is lacking. that’s what’s going on right now, so don’t start stressing yourself about “how did i change things in the past? etc.” stop thinking that. just shut those pretty eyes, even give yourself a break from the blog for a bit until you get enough sleep! just catch up my love and everything will be so much better :)

    i love you like a pig loves mud! but i think i love you even more than that 😉 ok now get to bed! love you

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      MEGGGGGGG! Oh my god, I love you so so SO much!! You are so right that I shouldn’t worry about how I did things in the past! After getting a good amount of sleep today, I still think I could use a little more, but I feel SO much better than I did a couple of days ago! I think playing a little catch up tonight will put me right back on track and ready for the weekend! The man-friend will be out of town for Saturday and Sunday so if you’re free, we should totally set up a phone date! :) Love you, babe! xoxox

  12. Khushboo says:

    One of the reasons I keep coming back to your blog is because you keep it REAL! Eating is not always rainbows and unicorns- we all have our ups and downs! As much as I love to eat my “healthy” foods like eggs & greens, some days all I want is a damn pizza with a heck load of cheese…followed shortly by some ice cream! I think the key is being able to pinpoint our weaknesses so that we can tackle it in future. From past experience I know that the only way for me to get back “on track” after a vacation is to dive into routine right away. I’ve been known to unpack past midnight so that I don’t have to wake up to a suitcase full of clothes. In terms of food and exercise, I try to focus my first meal home around whole foods which almost always appeals to me like Greek yogurt with fresh fruit, oats and nut butter and fit in light exercise like a walk…these small steps definitely help me wean myself back into the groove!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you Khusboo! And yes, as much as I adore rainbows and unicorns, they have definitely been missing from my life as of late! Thank you so much for the tips for post-vacation! That’s probably where I started to falter…I came home and only had time to unpack the groceries I had bought before it was “time” for me to take a nap prior to my shift. If I had planned for more time to get settled in and prepare a well rounded me, it might have worked out differently. Definitely keeping this in mind for my next trip! :)

  13. Kat says:

    You my friend, are an amazing person, you know that?
    And I’m pretty sure we are twins, because this entire post I was like “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!” For realz girl.
    The truth is, we all have these moments. Remember how I told you I wasn’t sleeping well either? Well last night I helped myself to 2 homemade pumpkin cookies, 4 huge spoonfuls of chocolate PB, a handful of dark chocolate chips, and then some pita chips, because clearly I needed some salt after all that sugar. I crawled into bed and was like WHAT THE EFFFF? I was so utterly disgusted with myself and disappointed. But I cant dwell on it. I cant dwell on it because if I do, it’ll consume me, and then it will all be over. I’ve just gotta learn from it and move on.
    YOU have to get some sleep my pretty ginger friend. I have no doubt you will be back to feeling normal (as normal as us crazy gingers can be) in no time! <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      “But I cant dwell on it. I cant dwell on it because if I do, it’ll consume me, and then it will all be over. I’ve just gotta learn from it and move on.” <- AMEN!!! That's really the only thought that kept me going this week, but I'll admit that after it happened a second time and then a THIRD, I was starting to lose faith in myself! But instead of cutting my sleep time short today like I normally do after my shifts for the week, I left my alarm off and ended up sleeping for seven hours...withOUT medication! And while I'm still a little tired, I feel MUCH more normal now than I did a couple days ago! I'm so glad I have you to relate to on this...thank you SO much for your encouragement! Crazy gingers unite! 😉

  14. My friend… I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. I bet a LOT o it comes from your sleep patterns. I have a friend in AA who says that when she’s tempted to fall into unhealthy patterns, she goes to bed. I know for me when I’m in a “eat ALL the foods” mode, it’s usually before bed and Iv’e stayed up too late any way. I know there’s not a lot you can do because of your work schedule, but just a thought.

    I’m here for you any time! Even if you’re up late and need a distraction… I’m probably awake and you’ll just dream about me anyway. 😉

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Laura! Thank you SO much! I actually stayed up a bit later than planned this morning after I got off work…about an hour later than usual…and I started feeling that weird, “I’m hungry…no I’m not…yes I am” so I just gave up and went to bed. And I just woke up after sleeping a SOLID seven hours! I haven’t been able to do that all week! While I’m still tired and still plan on going to bed early tonight, it helps to feel a little more on track now. And I will most definitely hold you on your offer of distraction…I’ll talk to you until you go to bed and then I’ll start pestering Arman when he wakes up! Haha!

  15. You are amazing and thank you for being so honest. Even though you may feel embaressment or guilty of your actions- your proving to everyone out there that we really are only human- we make mistakes. Look at how you can juggle night shift, treating yourself well on vacations and having a life all in one? Your a super(broccoli)woman.

    Furthermore, I know there are MANY out there who can relate to this and by writing it, you’ve made a huge difference.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you, Arman! It wasn’t until I “came out” about calorie counting that I actually really allowed myself to get serious here on the blog on a regular basis, but I’m so glad that I did…the support I’ve gotten through all of this is unmeasurable! So if I am able to help just ONE person through all of this by sharing my honest perspective, then I know I’ve done something right! :)

  16. I love how honest you are & think you are such a wonderful person. We all slip up & have those nasty binge days… I don’t really believe that no one ever does – well, maybe my husband since he does not seem food-motivated at all (what is wrong with him?! haha). lol I can totally relate to how you’re feeling & coming back from vacation where you can justify your treats & such is hard. You’re still my hero though!! :)

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Awww, Karey! Thank you so much sweetie! And for the rest of the night, I will now be singing Enrique Iglesias! Lol

  17. You. are. awesome. I feel like I’m at the exact same place as you in my life!!! While I’ve healed most of my issues with food, there are definitely times I still binge. I can COMPLETELY relate to your “starting out innocent, ending with yogurt covered pretzels thing” and especially the carrots & PB and then OOPS 1/4 of the jar is gone. Seriously I was reading that and I was like oh. my. God. Did I write this?! You are not alone my friend!! Something that has changed indefinitely though is how I feel afterward. Sure, I still have initial guilt and remorse, but it is MUCH less severe than it used to be. I used to think about making myself throw up (although I never actually did, it crossed my mind many times)… Now I just try to take a step back and look at WHY I did it and most of the time it’s because my body is exhausted and instead of just SLEEPING like I should, I decide to eat everything but the kitchen sink for some reason. Ugh, seriously. I feel ya girl. There’s nothing you can do about it now though besides focusing on the future, not feeling bad about it, and getting back to your normal healthy eating. I’ve learned that life’s too short to feel bad about such insignificant problems. I’m over here crying because I ate too much and my mom’s friend is in the hospital in a coma from a brain aneurism, for example. It really puts things into perspective for me and I’m like “OK Julie, worse shit has happened. Get over it.” Lol this comment is seriously so long but just know that I’m right there with you <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Ok, now I’m the one who’s like oh. my. God. Did I write this?! You know I used to think even WORSE of myself because I wasn’t able to throw up? I mean, seriously..how effed up is that?! But I feel the same way now…the guilt may still be there at first, but it’s nowhere NEAR as great as it used to be. And actually, the guilt I start to feel as it’s happening has decreased as well which helps me from entering “binge punishment mode” as I like to call it, where the binge shifts from emotional eating to a way of physically abusing myself. It makes me sad to look back at that girl…especially since it was only a mere three months or so since I was last there, but then I just have to remember that that is all in the PAST now and it just helped to create a stronger me in the PRESENT! I’m so happy to hear you are in that better place too! xoxo

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  19. I loved this post, Heather. So honest and real. You’re right, we’re all human, and that means we’re all naturally flawed. It is part of human nature.

    I’ve need to do a post similar to this because since moving out of home, starting a new job, moving in with my bf, I haven’t established a real routine yet. Monday and Tuesday, I am exhausted after the paper’s deadline, I almost always work over time, all I want to do is fall into bed with I get home. Then the next thing I know it’s the weekend, and I want to catch up on sleep.

    My eating hasn’t been on track as much as I’d like it to be, with J moving in, we’ve wanted to celebrate a bit, then it was his bday, then Aunt Flo has gotten in the way (I get really bad back ache and cravings) and I just feel like I’m going down a slippery slop again.

    I may have lost around 50lbs, but I still don’t have a great relationship with food. I will always want to use food as a coping mechanism, whether that be eating lots of it or restricting it, because I’ll be honest, when I’m upset or unhappy, it could go either way, I’ve done both. I’m an emotional eater, I eat when I’m sad, eat when I’m happy.

    Thank you for this post. I need to grow some balls and admit this all on my own blog.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you so much, Nikki! I will say that it has been so helpful just to get my thoughts out on paper…er, the internet with all of this…and the support I’ve received from all of you is BEYOND heart-warming, but it took a while for me to get there. I went back and forth with myself for a while before I felt comfortable sharing this bit of vulnerability, but I just woke up one day and felt like taking a leap! You’ll know when you’re ready to share…until then, just know I’m here for you if you ever need to vent!

      I know exactly how you feel not having many hours to yourself during the week…you have every right to feel exhausted by the weekend! Just remember that you can’t BE everyone’s everything all the time…sometimes you have to carve out at least a few minutes in the day for Nikki…to breath, to unwind, to just be! It may sound silly, but seriously, five minutes of deep breathing can work wonders for me during a stressful day! :)

  20. Hi, friend! Holy heck I know what you are feeling…I actually just wrote a novel in this box and deleted it, because I know you know I can empathize, and I can’t wait to get to SEE YOU and talk with you about this is person. :) I am ALWAYS here for you.

  21. I completely understand the sleep deprivation and insane food cravings/inability to control what seemingly invisible hands seem to shove in your mouth. I work shifts in the ER and although I may start out my day healthy, bringing good food to work, when I get back home at stupid times of the day, my willpower seems to go out the window! Last week was the worst, my body clock had no idea if it was night or day and at one point I found myself devouring leftovers, which seemed to require a side of bread, dipped in hummus, ending with an entire chocolate soya dessert. At 3 in the freaking morning! So, don’t feel bad, you are not alone, and short of a lock on my fridge, only allowing access between 6am and midnight, I will just have to learn that ferreting around in the cupboards in the wee small hours is not the worst thing in the world.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh my gosh, I know exactly what you’re talking about…it’s almost like an out-of-body sort of experience. You don’t even realize what’s happening until you’re halfway through a pie plate of leftover quiche! It’s funny, because I used to not see it coming at all, but the other day, I came home from work and just felt miserable…I wasn’t sure what direction was up. I stood in the kitchen for a good five minutes trying to figure out if I was actually hungry before I just gave up and went to bed! Thankfully I felt a lot better after a good night’s day’s sleep! I’ve been on the night shift for over a year, you’d think I’d have things figured out by now, but I swear I did better when my shifts were always rotating! Such is the life of a medical professional though, right?

  22. HUGS!!! I read a few people with binge eating disorder. It is a really tough one to overcome – don’t get down on yourself!!!!! One lady does not blog anymore. I can ask here if she will correspond with you if you want that – just let me know! Never ever feel like you are not enough – everyone has things behind closed doors – I wrote a post on this – nobody – nobody is perfect! :)

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you Jody! I can definitely feel how much I’ve grown over the last few months…the old me surely would have increased the stress of last week with adding misery and self-loathing to the mix. Luckily now, I’m starting to accept my humanness, be more rational in my thinking, and see the light at the end of the tunnel…and I’m not talking about the one in the back of the refrigerator! 😉

  23. As you know, I’m an avid gym goer and veggie-eating FOOL! Can I share a secret with you, though? I have a nasty past with poor eating habits that I, until this day, still fight to ignore. We all have our flaws and our kinks, but it’s all a matter of being honest with yourself and having a genuine will to make them work to your advantage. Words cannot describe how much I love truly getting to know the real Heather! You are such a true and honest lady. Stay strong because you’re certainly not alone. <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Brittany! Have I told you lately how much I love you?? I cannot thank you enough for not only showing your support, but for also sharing a part of yourself with me…oh my gosh, if I could, I would give you the biggest hug right now! Instead, I’ll have to resort to x’s and o’s! 😉

  24. Although I can only imagine how tough it can be dealing with these issues surrounding food (something we can’t avoid even if we wanted to) I think it is so great you are moving closer to getting to the root of the problem. Sleep is so essential, and without it I thinking most of us go a little crazy, however that craziness may manifest. I am all about the “I love you” homework, and remember that we all love you too! :-)

  25. Maria says:

    Oh I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling, friend and I appreciate your honest words. You really are helping those of us who are going through the same thing! I’m not brave enough yet to talk about it on my blog (but I don’t mind writing here, go figure), but I have been struggling a lot with emotional eating in the past few months, mainly due with job-related stress as well. I’d love to sit down and write you an email about it since you seem so knowledgable on the subject and can obviously relate. I just haven’t really fully admitted to myself that I have an issue…that’s the first part, right?

    I love the quote, “I am not there yet, but I’m closer than where I was yesterday.” Remember how far you’ve come!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Maria!! I was wondering where you had gone! I didn’t realize you had changed blogs!

      Those are definitely some good words to keep in mind along the way…it’s so hard sometimes to get caught up in the tide and forget that we are part of a much larger body of water. May I ask why you’re having a hard time facing yourself? Please don’t feel like it makes you lesser of a person or that you are somehow doing something “wrong”…our bodies/minds adapt to situations of stress in many different ways. The way you are handling things right now is just the best way that your body sees to preserve and protect itself. I don’t have everything figured out, but I have learned quite a lot through trial and error…and error, and error… Please, whenever you’re ready, know that I am only a quick email away! *hugs*

  26. Awe!!! Girl! I wish I could have been there to talk to you when it was all happening!!! I love you and I know that you have it in you to find your way back to a happy place. Telling you to sleep doesn’t fix it, so I’ll tell you right now, you are JUST FINE. You have done nothing wrong. You’ll get through it, I promise.

  27. When I started binging after/during my recovery from my ED, I was afraid I would never be normal again. But the binges got fewer and farther between. It wasn’t a perfect overnight thing, it was more of a gradual return to “normalcy.” I can’t remember the last time I binged now, but I think it’s common for us in recovery to rush it, and want it before our body can adjust and learn new healthy habits. One month is great, and one binge won’t break you. You will get there. <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you so much, Cassie! That’s so great that you’ve come so far! It took me a long while to recognize the progress that I’ve made, but now I can finally see just how far I’ve come. It definitely helps me stay focussed…even when I have the minor “setback” of a binge. Luckily, I can be more logical now and recognize what it is my body needs during these times instead of just spiraling downward…sometimes it just takes a bit longer to figure it out.

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