Thoughts on Hitting Rock Bottom

Thank you all so much for the well wishes yesterday!

I’m still taking it easy and shying away from overly spiced and elaborate foods, but I’m feeling much better this week. Actually, I think getting sick was just the reset that I needed…a blessing in disguise you might say. I know, sounds crazy, right? But the days in between Thanksgiving and “D-Day” were not all that pretty and honestly, I really needed that kick in the ass.

And so the story begins…

After the Thanksgiving festivities with my family last Friday, everyone broke off and went in their different directions. I was on call that night and the man-friend had been in Memphis visiting his family so I knew would have the weekend to myself. Besides wanting to put up my Christmas decorations (didn’t happen), I basically had a free weekend ahead of me, but instead of that weekend being a balance of productivity and relaxation, it was an absolute nightmare.

Peanut Butter

A simple smoothie in a near-empty peanut butter jar “rescued” from my parent’s house the day before landed me in a binge cycle from Saturday morning until Monday evening.

I had no idea where it came from. I felt overly full from the smoothie and the next thing I know, I’m eating every.thing.in.sight! I didn’t understand…especially after having done so well eating intuitively during the holiday, but I just couldn’t stop. And the more I ate, the more it became a punishment. I cried…a lot. Now, as I look back, I can actually see the reasons behind it all, but that’s a subject for a different day.

All this I’ve shared to paint a picture for the mindset I was in early last week. The feeling of inadequateness and failure mixed with the physical side effects of bingeing.

On Monday, a new week of challenges began.

The first week of The Good Life Challenge was focussed on food. It concentrated on honoring hunger, satiety, and savoring meals…all things I felt were “old news” but week two was all about the body and it seriously couldn’t have come at a worse time. The challenge for Monday was to dance to two favorite songs, but being depressed, miserable, and bloated, dancing was the  LAST thing on my mind. Then came Tuesday’s challenge…

“Write down three things you love about a body part that you are not particularly fond of.”

Please, someone give me a brick wall that I can bang my head against! I can go on and on all day about the parts of myself that I like, but THAT one? I was supposed to list THREE things?! Hell, I couldn’t even come up with ONE! After thinking about it all day long, this was my entry on the Facebook wall…

The Good Life Challenge

And the next day I woke up with a demon inside me. Call it what you will, but part of me feels like it’s likened to karma. I was being so mean to myself, so my SELF got me back! And I’ll tell you right now, I LEARNED my lesson! After 36 hours of barely being able to move any part of my body and not even being able to THINK about food without wanting to vomit, I now have a renewed appreciation for my body, what I do with it, and what I put in it.

Since I started eating normally again on Thursday, I feel like not only have my taste buds been reset, but so has my mind. A few situations that could bring on a binge in the past have come this week, and I haven’t even thought about it. My hunger and satiety cues are right where they should be and even though my veggie consumption has fallen off a bit and I had popcorn for dinner the other night, I know that I’m finding balance elsewhere in my diet.

Perhaps I was meant to get sick…

I know it sounds a bit dramatic, but over the last few months, I’ve gone from bingeing to “normal” and back to bingeing on what seems like a pretty consistent basis. I think I really needed something to shake the shit out of me and help me see how important my body is and that I should show it a hell of a lot more respect than I had been.

A very similar thing happened in college…I was getting lost in my party-girl ways and my grades were suffering. Then I got the worst case of strep throat I’ve ever had in my life…they actually had to give me a steroid shot just so I could swallow! And then I had to spend the weekend at my parent’s house recuperating. I jokingly refer to it as my stent in rehab because after I came back, I realized what I had been doing and that the direction I was heading in was not what I wanted for myself. From that point on, I was nose to the books!

So this is where I stand right now in my journey…with a renewed sense of self and a change in perspective that has left me with appreciation AND respect for my body.

Now I’ll turn things over to you, what are THREE things you love about a body part you’re not particularly fond of? 

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68 Responses to Thoughts on Hitting Rock Bottom

  1. lindsay says:

    i think being sick is a resent button. We are not in control and we have to almost surrender those thoughts and just rest, nourish, etc. The mind can be a tricky thing, but you fought that demon. Always reach out! We got your back! Booty and all.
    😉

  2. Marina says:

    Ou, your problem is so clear to me! I fight against an overeating every week. After I perfectly I realize the reasons which have caused this overeating, but next time again I can’t cope with it.
    I strictly treat myself in respect of food because it isn’t pleasant to me as this overeating influences my body and thinking. Seriously, almost each time as I see myself in a mirror, I want to change any parts of the body: sometimes separate, sometimes all in a place. Though I try to fall in love with myself 😉

  3. Oh Heather… I’m a so sorry you had a rough weekend. I wish you’d have called!

    I think the body does force you to reset and do what you need to. I have been wayyyy over-extended. Getting sick this week forced me to cancel plans and – though I have had to work a lot – it’s forced more rest that I’d have gotten otherwise.

  4. I do tend to think that everything happens for a reason, so I would agree that getting sick was ‘meant’ to force you out of the trouble you were having. I’m sorry to hear that things weren’t going well for you for a while there! But I’m happy that you feel like you’ve bounced back.

  5. Heather says:

    Thanks so much for sharing, girl. This is seriously one of the most honest, real posts I have ever read and I applaud you for being so brave because it’s definitely not easy to share our lowest moments. You are beautiful! :)

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you, Heather! I feel like posting these kind of things helps show myself marks in my progress and to see changes in my perspective that have been taking place over the last several months. Also, I know that there are people out there having the same feelings/problems and I just want them to know they are not alone. Even though I started this journey over six months ago, I’m still a work in progress!

  6. Julia says:

    Oh my God, it’s like you and I are the same person! I went through the same cylce just last week, minus the getting sick part. You and I need to sit down together and drink a cup of tea and talk this shit out. I’m so thankful for how real you are on this blog. Keep talking the real talk, and just know there are so many of us out there who go through the same crap in life! So glad you’re feeling better, my dear!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Julia, thank you so much! I had no idea you’ve had similar problems. I would never in a million years want anyone to struggle with these sick kind of cycles, but I will say that it makes me feel so much better to know you can relate. And seriously, if you ever want to talk…I’m just an email away! *hugs*

  7. Allison says:

    Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. I remember reading your post in the Facebook page and feeling a lot of similarities between us. You inspired me to write my post on my midsection. I also have a feeling of being at rock bottom right now & actually read this post while feeling very down and distraught at the gym this morning. Remembering that every day is a new day and I can make a choice to be better and stronger is what I have to constantly remind myself. I also feel when I beat myself up about food or workouts I tend to spiral out of control & land on the bottom generally sick too.

    Thank you for helping me through your story!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Allison! Thank you so SO much for your comment! I can totally relate to those feelings…it’s easy to let ourselves get caught up in self-pity/loathing and let it consume us, but as difficult as it may feel at times, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to focus on the positive…and KNOW that we are NOT alone <- that one has been a big one for me! *hugs*

  8. Heather, sending some love your way today! I’ve been in recovery 5 years now and there are still days I’m tempted to punish myself. I’ve had binges like you just had, though not in over a year. They’re hard. They’re embarassing. They’re painful. I understand completely. As someone who had anorexia, orthorexia, and binge eating, all within 15 years, going back and forth, I felt like I would never get ahold of myself. I finally realized when I’m upset, I have to stay away from the kitchen, no matter how much I want to go in there and eat, or how much I want to go run 2 miles and ” burn off” my emotions through calories. As a passionate person, I’m a little extreme, and I’m guessing you’re the same. Your blog is amazing, and you’re so wonderful with words, ideas and food. Give yourself a break, and what I find helps is to start being more aware. Everytime I lift that spoon to my mouth, I remember what I felt like on mornings after binges, and usually, I stop myself. It’s so hard, but I promise you can do it.
    The body part I don’t like is my stomach some days, and the backs of my legs other days. I’m thin, and I still have issues with them. Knowing this is normal, sometimes I just have to write it off and say ” Screw it.” Not always easy, but at this point, it’s exhausting hating them as much as it is trying to change them.
    Anyway, stay strong sister. You can do this! A bump in the road just means the path above will be smoother:) Lots of Love<3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Wow. Just wow! Thank you SO much, Heather! You’re words have seriously brought tears to my eyes! I can definitely relate to being on the extreme side…I guess that’s also why I feel emotions so strongly…and unfortunately, the negative ones are no exception. Things are really looking clearer to me now though after having time to reset and reflect. I’m definitely more motivated to move forward…on my much smoother path! :)

  9. I really admire your ability to share this stuff with us. I think that getting sick is definitely a way that the body tells us something isn’t right and that we need to reset. You will be able to push past those “bad” times, like you have before. And I think you are pretty darn great!
    One body part that I’m often self-conscious of is my back. I have scoliosis and I think it made my ribs form a bit differently than most people – they’re very large. But I am thankful that 1) I have a working spinal cord/backbone 2) I never had to get a brace and 3) I have learned that to keep my spine strong I need to always work my core. That’s a different way of going about what you asked, but there ya go.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Different but perfect…it shows respect for your body and I love that! Thank you so much for your sweet words of encouragement, Ang! And I thinnk you’re pretty darn great as well! 😀

  10. Oh friend! I am so incredibly sorry it has been such a rough time. I’m always here if you need me. I know those demons are hard to overcome. Stay strong my friend. xoxo

  11. Kat says:

    wowzers girl, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this. I totally think that getting sick is our body’s way of telling us to wake the crap up. Even though I haven’t been binging or eating unhealthy things, I also have been lacking in the overall nutrition department, and I can feel it starting to wear me down. Sleep sucks, Im tired, I get random tummy aches, headaches….it’s not a cold or anything, it’s just my body saying ENOUGH!!

  12. Chrystal M. says:

    :( *hugs*

    Its been a rough week for me too. I did all these cookie swaps and thought I could handle it. I did goo by not eating all the cookie dough (win) and with the 4 boxes that have come in I have not eaten all of them. But, it seems to be triggering some other eats. Not sure what thats all about though. I am finding that the longer I go without eating that junk that when I do eat it I find it does taste like garbage. So I guess thats good.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I’m the same way…taking a break from the overly sweet definitely helps reset the taste buds! This time of year can be stressful enough though…don’t be so hard on yourself, love. *hugs* back to ya!

  13. You have such a positive mindset for a crappy few weeks! Part of my body that I hate – my legs. They’re big and no matter what I do, they’ll always be big. Three things I (kind of…) like about them: they allow me to run far, they look pretty good all toned up and they’re long. I’m stretching that last one there but I couldn’t come up with a 3rd, haha!

  14. Courtney says:

    Hey, it’s gunna happen! The fact that you’ve been in-and-out of binge cycles for a while is totally okay, these journeys take time and you’ve been able to get back on track each time. THAT’S what’s important! I’m in recovery from a long time battle with bulimia and it’s been critical for me to learn to acknowledge unhealthy behavior, reflect on why it happened, and then let it goo! You don’t need to “start over”, just focus on today and you will be alright! Kudos to you for being so open and honest. Much love to you!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you, Courtney for the encouragement and the empathy! This was definitely the wake up call that I needed to help me reflect on the last several months. Don’t get me wrong…I don’t feel as if I’m starting from scratch (I would never discount all the progress that I’ve made), but I feel like getting sick and actually having to FEEL my way out of it was so important…it helped put a LOT of things into perspective for me!

  15. Lindsey says:

    I totally agree that our bodies (and the universe) force us to slow down, adjust, rethink, etc. if we refuse to do so without their intervention!!

    Do remember this, though: While this may feel like “rock bottom” for this particular issue (and it may be as far down as you’ve felt with it, or in a long time), it is NOT rock bottom. Things can ALWAYS get worse, both in life in general, and with a specific issue or situation. In the grand scheme of things–life, bodies, weight, eating habits–you’re really still in the safety/okay zone, even if it feels totally horrible and out of control.

    If it helps you to feel more in-control of your eating, remember this: you always do eventually stop eating. Even if you eat a whole lot before you stop, you always DO eventually stop. So you are in control of it. I’d also challenge you to consider that perhaps you’re doing some reactive restricting since you know you’re overeating at times, and that may also perpetuate the overeating cycle? I also think that sometimes just my worrying about my eating can cause so much stress that I then overeat even more, in response to the stress….it’s seriously like 5 different cycles all wrapped up into one. The disordered eating version of Dante’s inferno??

    Takeaway: you’re ok. You’re a beautiful, smart, loving, LOVED girl with a hot bod and a great support system. You’re doing great!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you so so much, Lindsey!! I was going off of emotion when I titled this post and I feel that it may have come across a bit over-dramatic. I definitely know that things could be/get a lot worse than they’ve been for me thus far, but honestly, the way that I felt lying in the floor of my bathroom, having my feet completely knocked out from under me, FELT like rock bottom. I do think, like you, that these cycles can get very complex and woven into other things…so much so that it can and has been too much to handle in the past, but I think I’m finally starting to see distinct characteristics of each one and it helps that I had this moment where I was forced to “check in” with myself and be shown that my body is a gift and not something that should be taken for granted.

  16. Calee says:

    Oh girl. I feel for you. I have been there so many times. This year is the first year I’ve ever felt like I’ve had any success and not fallen back onto my ass like this. I don’t know what it was. I think it could be the fact that I’m way to busy to even give it a moment of thought. I know this sounds weird, but maybe pick up a hobby on the side? Or something to work towards? Like a class, volunteering for a cause you really enjoy, etc.? I think you need something to get your mind off of this and to remind you that there are WAYYY more important things in life than the way you *think* your body looks. And through that experience, ironically, you’ll probably lose the weight you’re worried about without even thinking about it.

    BIG HUG!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      It’s funny, I’ve been thinking about the SAME thing over the last week or so. Since getting sick, I’ve kinda taken a break from blogworld and have been reading, watching shows on Netflix that I like, and even getting into scrap booking a bit (ok, so maybe I’m just organizing pictures and pretending to scrap book, but whatevs!), but I have definitely noticed a difference in my attitude. I’m thinking it was probably my subconscious comparing myself to others and now that the focus has changed, I feel less stressed. Does that make sense?

      • Calee says:

        Makes total sense! I hope that you continue to experience this growth. I’ve been doing the same, but I like to check in on my fav people from time to time.

        I feel like things will get even less focused on diet / exercise for me in January. I’m starting my lit review for grad school and am taking 2 classes aaaand continuing to work. See you in June.

  17. Lady I so feel your pain. I am in the stage of feeling fat right now too, I’ve not weighed myself either but the other day I did a stupid stupid thing. I tried on the dress I wore 5 years ago to my 25th birthday, I struggled to get it done up and when I did it was tight in all the wrong places and I could barley move in it. I know reading the IE books they all say to stop the fat talk but it is hard when you know you have put on a bit of weight.

    I think like you my issue is sometimes loneliness but also as well boredom. I can recognise sometimes when I am eating something the why behind why I’m eating it but it doesn’t make me stop.

    Like you I also hate my stomach, that is one part of me that I will struggle to get on board with ever feeling saying I like.

    Wow I feel like my comment is all just Debbie downer when you have come through this binge to the other side and are feeling great. I am inspired by your reset attitude and I think I need a bit of an adjustment myself too.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh honey, it’s totally ok! I did the same thing a few weeks ago when I took down my big box of jeans in the closet…I got curious. But I should’ve known better…seriously, it was JUST like stepping on a scale! Honestly, I’m still trying to sort things out in my head, but since I got sick, I’ve also taking a bit of a break from blogworld…reading and taking pictures of my food all the time…and something changed. Like, I’ve taken the focus/pressure/over-stimulus away so that I can just listen to my cravings. It’s sort of been eye-opening the difference that it’s made!

  18. I’ve had these moments – where I think things, although they may SOUND odd, perhaps happen for a reason. Upward and onward right?!

  19. Oh girl I’m so sorry to hear you were struggling after Thanksgiving, I think maybe seeing your approach to the Thanksgiving meal as a success (which it SO was!) could have caused you to view any “slip ups” after as “bad”. I am certainly no expert, but I have found that any bouts of overeating for me personally don’t need to be viewed as negative, they can simply be viewed as my body or mind needing something, and then it is time to move on. You have seriously come so far, and I think the Good Life Challenge is absolutely amazing and have loved seeing everyone’s posts who are participating. So I say you didn’t hit rock bottom, just a little pebble, and you getting sick just cleared that pebble away. Hm, did that make ANY sense? Anyways, so much love for you!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I think for me (at least now that I look back on things), it was more of a loneliness issue. There might have been a tinge of guilt and feeling “bad” but being alone just made it feel that much stronger. I’ve been working on surrounding myself with family and friends more over the last couple of weeks and I can definitely see a difference in my thinking now. And I guess what I meant to say was that getting my feet knocked out from under me with this bug was my hitting rock bottom…because there was basically nothing I could do but feel my way through it all and climb back up! Does THAT make any sense? <3

  20. It makes me sad to hear about you being so hard on yourself! But I’m glad you seem to have a renewed perspective. Getting sick seems to have been a blessing in disguise! :)

    I don’t love my stomach either… but I do love that it can hold lots of delicious food (and sometimes TOO much, but that’s okay) and that it gives me curves. And as many women have shown (ie. America Ferrera, Kate Winslet, the Mad Men ladies), curves are beautiful!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you, Chelsea! You are so right, curves ARE beautiful! And I just have to remember that when I’m at a weight low enough to have that flat tummy I’ve thought about so much over the last few months, that I am basically curveLESS!

  21. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and that there’s good to be found even in bad situations. I always tell people that I’m grateful for having gone through my ED, and they often look at me like I’m crazy — like how could I be grateful for something that bad. But it’s true — I am. Those years were hell, no doubt about it, but I learned so much and came out of it a better person, so I can’t regret what happened.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself, love — you definitely didn’t hit rock bottom. We all stumble and fall, it’s how we pick ourselves up that matters. And you are definitely doing it right.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I know things could’ve been a lot worse, and I don’t mean to sound like a drama queen (hopefully I didn’t come off that way), but like you said, I feel like this happened for a reason. I know I can be incredibly hard on myself…and stubborn about it too…but I think getting my feet knocked out from under me with this bug (or whatever it was) was exactly what I needed. To show me that I shouldn’t take my body for granted.

  22. I Always love your raw honesty & especially posts as hard as this – I get it cause I am hard on myself & always have been – a life of feeling inadequate & now trying to make up for that… You are a beautiful person!!!

    Every day is a new day – right – we have a new chance every day!

  23. Ahh Heather…always keeping it real on here. Thank you for opening up- It is no doubt something many appreciate and struggle with too. I admire you for seeing the onset of the illness as a blessing in disguise- looking back on it, it definitely seemed appropriately timed.

    I’m not an expert in this area but maybe perhaps mentally, you thought you overcame Thanksgiving without a gliche, and as such, ‘rewarded’ yourself subconsciously? For me, I often overeat and such whenever I’m bored, lonely or have no plans.

    I hate my chicken arms with a passion, but at least I can carry things, spank my carpet which is covered in coconut flour and stick my finger up at hoons on the road.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you, Arman! Looking back now, I can see that I was really just lonely. After being surrounded by so much of my family for a day and a half before, for some reason, it just left me feeling that much more alone. This is something that I’m seeing has happened in the past too…after coming back from vacation and such. What’s funny(?) is that I always thought it was food related before.

  24. We spend so much time nit picking over our body, that whenever I get sick, I’m always quickly reminded about taking it for granted. Suddenly, you realize how lucky you are to have a healthy body that works, even if it’s not a Victoria’s Secret model. I think this is something we need to remind ourselves of all year, not just when we come down with the flu, or sprain our ankles.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      I couldn’t agree with you more, Cassie! It’s a true gift that our bodies can move around and do the things we want them to do!

  25. Hi Heather, I’m a new follower and this post hits home. I have had those kinds of days before. For some reason, I’ll just keep reaching for things I know aren’t great choices, then feel awful afterwards! Mine will usually hit at night when I’m tired. Don’t worry, like many other people have said..its how you bounce back! It’s just a hiccup in your long and healthy journey! :)

    OH and I always have had a love hate relationship with my lower half! Love it in tight dresses ..hate it when I’m pulling up jeans..lol

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      So nice to “meet” you, Diana! Thank you so much for commenting…I love hearing from new readers! :) I definitely feel this to by my biggest bounce back since starting this journey almost a year ago. It’s been kind of a roller coaster ride for months now, but I’m finally FEELING and not just seeing what my body needs now that I’m no longer trying to numb it with emotional eating. Thank you so much for your support!

  26. Lucie says:

    Girl – I SO feel you. The free weekends, the binge cycles – I’ve been there. And I was so convinced that I would never recover. I was wrong.
    Your body obviously knows best and sent a signal – being sick is always a strong sign and forces us to reset and rest.
    I just want you to know my Dear, that by sharing your honest thoughts here just shows how incredibly STRONG you are. I don’t know if I were that brave and I admire you for this. Body and Food Challenges can be rough I know that – and i think it’s ok to fake it on some days.
    I am not fond of my upper arms. But ya know, with them, I can lift heavier than several moaning men at the gym. They are the most tanned part when I’m on a sunny holiday. And they are covered with an ugly layer of fat, but also with a nice smooth layer of spotless skin.
    Darling, just one last thing: I believe in you. Never ever give up. Love you!!!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Lucie, thank you so much! I’m not sure if you realize just how much your supportive words mean to me, but as I read those last few sentences, I felt them go straight to my heart! I once thought I would be lost in this nightmare forever too…especially since I’m coming up on the year anniversary of starting this journey, but like you said, my body knew better. It’s crazy to think that just ONE day can change so much, but I’m so thankful for it…and thankful for you, my friend! Love you back! xoxo

  27. Lisa says:

    Oh Heather, I want to hug you for real right now! This was such a beautifully written and honest post. I commend you for opening up like this.
    I totally think that everything we go through happens for a reason, so a believe I positive always comes out of those horrible times we can experience in life.
    You seem to be headed in the right direction and that things are returning back to normal after a few hard weeks and I’m so proud of you for that. You’re so strong and a beautiful person inside and out <3

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh Lisa! Thank you so SO much! And you’re right, things are finally feeling like they’re moving in the right direction and my perspective (as far as myself AND this journey) is completely different! :)

  28. Maria says:

    Hi friend. Don’t think of this as a setback. It’s all apart of the journey and the most important part is that you put it behind you and try again the next day, which you have. That’s the key. You will get there one day.

    I know how hard it is to try and love a part of your body that you normally hate. I cannot find a single thing about my thighs that I love, but I keep faking it until I make it. I’m hoping that one day it will just click. And it will for you too.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you, Maria! Honestly, for the first time, I’m NOT seeing this as a setback…I’m seeing it as a BREAKTHROUGH! I swear that over the last two weeks, my perspective has been completely changed…I’m not sure if it was just from getting sick or if it has anything to do with the fact that I’ve taken a bit of a step back from the blogworld (which may be a topic for a future post), I feel like I’m finally seeing things clearly! :)

  29. I’m so behind on blogs… ugh! I’m so thankful that you are so stinking honest. I do think the body has a way of resetting itself. I hate that you got sick, but I’m so glad that you are moving forward and learning from all of this. I love you and miss you so much. You are so stinking wise. xoxoxo

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Thank you SO much, Brittany! And no worries, I’m right there with ya on the blog reading…so much going on right now, it’s hard to keep up!

  30. *Andrea* says:

    great post. i also made myself really sick recently with a bad binge cycle…which I hadn’t done in a while. instead of punishing myself now, i’m realizing that it sort of helped me realize I was restricting again and not honoring my body, the one vehicle i have to carry me through life…i was treating myself terribly in order to make it through stress at work or try hard to fit into a dress for going out to the bars. so silly.

    ps love that you can love your butt. it’s another place that i lose curves from when i lose weight too, but you should own it! curves are so beautiful.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      That is an amazing realization, Andrea! It’s hard to see sometimes, but it really is a special gift that we have something so physical to SHOW us what we are lacking in our lives. And you are so right…curves ARE beautiful and should be embraced, not picked apart as flaws!

  31. Sarah Pie says:

    I disappear for a week and I come back to find this, sad broccoli make me sad, but I feel even worse that you were having such a hard body time. Maybe I lucked out, growing up around a bunch of disordered eaters and yo-yo dieters I managed to avoid all that pressure and sadness. I still binge more often than I would like (hummus, pub cheese, and cookie dough all come to mind) but I’m trying my hardest to get that word out of my vocabulary.

    I’m glad you got your confidence back, you can’t rock a booty like your’s without it 😉

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Awww, thank you so much Sarah!! You are SO lucky you were able to sneak by all that. Honestly, I was doing great until a few years ago. Once I started learning more about nutrition and food ingredients, the food rules started forming and then when I started calorie counting, it just totally consumed me. But I know I can get back to “normal”…I mean, I spent a good 20 some odd years not thinking twice about my food choices so there is definitely hope! :)

  32. Kristen says:

    I have to say Heather, I am going through the same phase. During Thanksgiving I was doing so well, even the week after. This past weekend was my plummet. I had over indulged and felt terrible. Not only did my body feel terrible but the way my mind berated me! It would cause me to eat out of stress and hate for what I did to my body. I am starting to pledge to myself its okay and it will all work out but I know the feeling.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      That’s what you HAVE to keep in mind…the bigger picture! It can be hard when you’re surrounded by all those feelings of guilt and stress and negative thoughts, but if you can try to see it in a light of progressing/learning instead of good vs bad, it’s so much easier to forgive yourself!

  33. Oh buddy I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I’m here for you if you need someone. I’m sending virtual hugs your way.

    I have body parts I really appreciate now, but I’m struggling to find one I really dislike. That wasn’t always the case, although I’m certainly thrilled it’s how I feel now. My stomach isn’t perfectly flat, but I still think it rocks. My thighs touch, and I think those are pretty bad ass too. So yeah, with time and age comes self acceptance. It’s pretty awesome actually, and I can’t wait for you to get there too.

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      You are SUCH an incredible inspiration to me…I want you to know that! Gahh, if only I could give you an ACTUAL hug right now!

  34. Love you, girl. You’re AMAZING.

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  37. Wow, just stumbled across this…. so many things you said spoke to me. I have binging more often than not the last few months and hate myself for it every time I put on my clothes or look down at my stomach. When I was reading the question, I had the same thought… I have no good words for my most hated body part right now…. and for me too the only thing I could think of that I like about my body right now is my butt is back! I said it when I put on my too-tight pants just this morning! Although… I apparently haven’t gotten sick enough to kick my shapely rear into gear! I was happier with a flat ass and a little belly, yet I’m still searching for that drive to come back. Just glad to know I’m not alone. I just keep getting up and trying each day! Hopefully things are going better for you by now! I’ll have to go back and read your more recent posts!

    • kissmybroccoli says:

      Oh honey! I promise it gets better! It just takes patience…and a lot of self-forgiveness! You just have to try to shift your perspective. What I found that worked for me was to start thinking in terms of nurturing my body (my NEW body with all it’s extra cushy parts and everything) and to stop comparing myself to…well, to MYSELF! I remember being SO happy with my flat tummy when I first lost the weight, but when I think of it as a bigger picture sort of thing, I see just how impossible it would have been (for me) to keep it up. I’ve gained more weight than I thought I would when I fist gave up dieting/restricting (mostly due to incessant bingeing), but I’m happy to report that even after just a month and a half of normalcy, I’m starting to balance out. I can feel myself getting to a place where my body AND my mind are comfortable and accepting of myself! Have you heard me mention the “I Love You” exercise? If not, you can check it out in this post: http://www.kissmybroccoliblog.com/2013/07/25/thoughts-on-self-love/. I think it would really help you to give it a try! :)

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